<center>![nature-1673788_960_720.jpg](https://whaleshares.io/imageupload_data/44ff6df5b006a832c8305fa1fb0cd227380bbed7)[Source](https://pixabay.com/en/nature-landscape-mountains-lake-1673788/)</center>

## Today I watched a Dutch tv show called "Kidnapped"
As we don't watch cable tv, I go through the Dutch tv channels every day, to see if there's a show that I would like to see. That way I can keep following the series and shows I like. One of the shows that I watch is called "Kidnapped". This show focusses on parents that have taken one or more children with them to another country, to keep them away from the other parent in Holland. My situation isn't the same, as I didn't take the two oldest children with me, so in our case, it's not about children that have been kidnapped, but I can still relate a lot to the feelings the parent has that called the help of the show. That parent is feeling that intense painful missing of a child, without being able to fix this situation without any help from people that know how to handle this. The cases are quite complicated and often there is a court order that states the other parent has the right to see the child, or sometimes even an order to live with the parent that's been left behind again, but jurisdictions often make it impossible until they get help from professionals that have experience in handling these cases. Back in Holland, the father of my two oldest children actually kidnapped them from me (several times) but within the laws, by not bringing them back to me after the weekend, he knew that he could not do this longer than 72 hours before he was violating the law. So he got (like with everything else) away with it. 

<center>![png-divider-lines--1400.png](https://whaleshares.io/imageupload_data/88f0ef24276a26e3fb6a32b2f6798175567d0532)</center>

## I miss them to death, but I need to proceed with my plan at the right time
I've been telling in my posts for a while, that I don't want to start procedures in Holland about the children before I feel confident enough that I will win. Because when the time isn't right, it will only cost me a lot of money, negative energy and maybe eat me up inside too. If this is without result (again like the times before) I will not start it, because it will kick me down emotionally that I may not find back the strength for a long time after that. And as it's already been a few years now since the last time I spoke to them and saw them, I don't want to waste time on procedures that are doomed to fail before I even started them. Maybe that's hard to understand for some people, but when you're being held back for several years by several (powerful) people, this takes a toll on your mental state. I've been staying anonymous for good reasons, and it would be devastating if my first step will fail and cause me to lose my anonymity too. Because if that happens, I'm not sure if I'll be safe here, once starting procedures my ex will take any opportunity to bring me down to the same state of fear as back in Holland. 

<center>![png-divider-lines--1400.png](https://whaleshares.io/imageupload_data/88f0ef24276a26e3fb6a32b2f6798175567d0532)</center>

## Watching the end of the show made me think
Although this show always ends with some information about the contact between the estranged parent and child(ren) plus possible contact that has been recovered after this show, this time something happened. Although living on the other side of the world, the judge said there needed to be weekly telephone / or Skype calls between the child and father plus in the holidays spending half of the vacation together. Now, this gave me some kind of hope, and it got me thinking. I don't trust Skype calls because of what we went through regarding the hacking part, but I still do have a very old school telephone where you can only call or text with. Nothing else, just the basics. So I started to think that maybe it's time to think about recovering those weekly call moments with them, using that telephone only. So that I don't have to worry about him tracking me down or something. This may seem a bit too cautious for some people that now (little or) nothing about what we've been through in Holland, but please believe me when I say I have to take in account that he will try to track me down, to possibly hurt me or us.

<center>![png-divider-lines--1400.png](https://whaleshares.io/imageupload_data/88f0ef24276a26e3fb6a32b2f6798175567d0532)</center>

## The next thing I thought about was visits
Because of course I miss them like crazy, and I must admit, that although I manage to cope with the emotions a lot better than a few years ago when I still was close to them but couldn't see them, I think about them more lately. Maybe it's because another birthday is coming up, and also the holidays in December are arriving soon. It got me thinking, that maybe I can arrange for visits at my mother's house, building up from monthly to having them half of the summer holiday. Because I feel like when I present a solid plan to build up contact again, this will work in my favour when a judge is looking at this. Eventually, of course, I want to have custody again, but I need to start somewhere, and maybe it's the right time now to start making a solid plan to present to a lawyer that will get this to court. I know my ex will not work with me, so I really need to think things out well before contacting any lawyer that will handle the case. And I will need to save money for it too because lawyers aren't cheap in Holland. I now have no rights to any discount because I live in Hungary, and I'll have to pay probably somewhere between 150 to 200 euro per hour to hire one. And writing that down I think about the fact, that probably my ex will try to drain court hearings as much as possible because of the costs. 

<center>![png-divider-lines--1400.png](https://whaleshares.io/imageupload_data/88f0ef24276a26e3fb6a32b2f6798175567d0532)</center>

## Then it hit me, that I need to let it sink in a bit
The next days I will write down my old plan of steps I thought of before, and compare them to this new approach that has got in my mind just now, so I can think about the pros and cons and maybe combine it to another new plan. Safety comes first, I still have a toddler here, and we left Holland also because she wasn't safe there, so I have to think everything through and be aware of his actions on the steps that I take. The last thing I want is to start this, without any result, and then being in danger again because he wants me to back off and send some friends to scare me big time. Again, this is not your normal ex I'm talking about, this is a psychopathic crazy dangerous person that thinks everything through very well. That's what makes him so dangerous.  And I can only get closer to seeing them again by thinking everything through as much as he does. It sucks that I have to do that, but I'm not going to hit myself in the head again by making a mistake that will cause me to live in fear again. If I think that's going to happen, I'd rather wait another year (damn that would be hard) so I can save up to have more funds and make sure I can find out his whereabouts first to be fully prepared. 

>I started writing this a few hours ago, and that last paragraph took me the longest, because when I arrived at that last part (finding out his whereabouts first) I had written all of this down, thought about this, and came to the conclusion that this is probably something that I really need to do first. It has been in my plan for the past years, and I was strongly convinced that this was the way it needed to be done, to be safe and prepared. I almost forgot how strong I felt about that part until I just wrote it down in my post. So I think the very very first step now is going to be finding out what that will cost me, so I can make a plan to save money for that. And yes, of course, the visitation plan for me and the children (phone calls and actual visits) will be something I can work on now too because it can be edited when needed. 

>To be honest, I feel kind of sad now ending this post the way it does, because it's another slap in the face having to realize that I can easily make a plan, find a lawyer and go to court to set this all up. With my ex, it doesn't work that way, and it's really hard to think about how alert and careful I need to be in this whole process. It makes me so sad, and angry too. It's not right to take the children from a mother that loves them and it's not fair that the so-called agencies that are there to protect children, only help monsters like my ex to achieve their long-planned goals to separate me from the children. Why is our world so messed up? They don't deserve this, and I would want nothing more than my children to be reunited with their baby sister and us. 

<center>![png-divider-lines--1400.png](https://whaleshares.io/imageupload_data/88f0ef24276a26e3fb6a32b2f6798175567d0532)</center>


<center>
### A poem for my two beautiful children in Holland:

<center>Not a day passes by
Without the both of you on my mind
Maybe you're not here with me
But my love for you is the strong kind
<br>
I gave you many hugs and kisses
And all the love inside my heart
We laughed, we danced, we sang
I miss you so much, now that we're apart
<br>
I try to keep the fun memories alive
By thinking of them every single day
I hope you both are kind to another
Take care of the other, and doing ok
<br>
Your baby sister is growing up without you by her side
Thinking of that I get so terribly sad
Because we should all be together
Growing older and discovering our path.
<br>
But never forget that I will come back for you
To be reunited as soon as I can
And as soon as the moment is there
I promise you both, that we will never be parted again
</center>

<center>![png-divider-lines--1400.png](https://whaleshares.io/imageupload_data/88f0ef24276a26e3fb6a32b2f6798175567d0532)</center>