Fighting with suicidal thoughts by belemo

hive-174578 · @belemo · Jan 20 '20

$19.23

Fighting with suicidal thoughts

*Everyday sadness is something I contend with.
The sun rises and with it comes a new struggle for survival.
The quest for survival spins in perpetuity and with it comes sadness
My only respite is fantasizing about the peace and solitude that comes from the eternal sleep.*

https://cdn.pixabay.com/photo/2017/09/04/15/51/alkoghol-2714489__340.jpg
[source](https://pixabay.com/photos/alkoghol-narkomaniia-2714489/)

I've never been depressed enough to let go of the ledge and end it all, but I've never been happy enough to stop fantasizing about the great beyond. I've seen a dead body once and it was that of my uncle. This man had struggled for the latter part of his life and despite the family's efforts, he always seemed to get in his own way. He died an 85-year-old man, probably with some regrets but on his death bed, all I could see was peace.

I constantly flirt with thoughts of the great beyond and curiosity has killed 4 of this cat's nine lives. That's almost half of my life spent wondering if living is truly worth it and why I should keep going on. Life is an unending cycle of struggle and in my case, I struggle with some of the basic things. No matter how hard I try, there's a voice in my head constantly reminding me of my shortcomings. People tell me I'm doing okay but I never seem to impress my biggest critic, myself.

https://cdn.pixabay.com/photo/2016/03/11/19/08/depression-1250870_960_720.jpg
[source](https://pixabay.com/illustrations/depression-voices-self-criticism-1250870/)

In the midst of all the noise, I hear a loud silence that clutches my ankle like an injury in the final moments of the most important game of your life. I hear these thoughts like a dirge playing in the ambient and dipped in the most benign jokes told to humanity. It is like a cloud of grief in the sky that drips thorns on my soul. I hear the crowd cheering as I'm stretchered off and my thoughts are centered on how fickle fighting for the victory was in the first place.

I always wonder where dreams go when they die; do they die with the person? or maybe they get transferred to someone else. I wonder if that happens to the soul as well. Does it just dissipate into eternal nothingness? or does our consciousness morph into energy that fuels the universe? I have more questions than answers and answers that I can't share after I find out.

I'm worried and very scared sometimes because these feelings aren't that hard to find. It's not like digging into the recesses of my mind to unearth a buried emotion; this is on the surface and whenever the wind blows sour, I'm reminded of it.

https://cdn.pixabay.com/photo/2019/12/29/22/02/lion-4728270_960_720.jpg
[source](https://pixabay.com/photos/lion-fugy-man-cliff-mountains-sky-4728270/)

Life is like a slave master that rewards the living with whatever cup it deems fit. We're the slaves of life, dancing and doing our best to get life's attention, and hopefully impress it enough to drink from the good cup; a cup that some merit and others don't. But if the final prize is death, what was the point of all that dancing?

My emotions are a compound mess, dipped in confusion and fear. I fear because I don't know but most worryingly, I fear because I know that I may never know what I need to know.

In the midst of this curiosity is a silent drive to keep going. It's a familiar voice akin to my mum telling me to be strong, sometimes it sounds like my dad egging me to keep moving and other times it's my siblings, friends, and wellwishers reminding me of how awesome I am. I'd be foolish to ignore these voices and would probably have been dead.

The curiosity of the great beyond pervades my mind and while it may be tempting, my love for life is stronger, at least for now. I don't know which cup I'll be dealt with next but for now, I can still handle the drink in this one. I hope it gets kinder but if it doesn't, I hope I have the fortitude to keep fighting suicidal thoughts.

👍 ocdb, smartsteem, therealwolf, tombstone, postpromoter, howo, hiddenblade, roomservice, thevote, trumpman, justtryme90, suonghuynh, synrg, innerblocks, smartvote, prosperist, steemmatt, jcbit, bumper, smartmarket, mhm-philippines, epicdice, dcooperation, steemjetmedia, minerthreat, steemjet, clixmoney, rxzero, bitbulls, belemo, elevator09, jasonshick, sketch.and.jam, travelnepal, smooms, acolucky, kyuubi, mikemoi, miroslavrc, spiritualmax, vannfrik, andylein, penderis, steemdapps, crypt0renegade, sarasate, ccoin, steemtank, dexter-k, upme, spreadfire1, sagarthukral, kgsupport, lordjames, trisolaran, cultus-forex, drfk, nedy, rimicane, josephsavage, jrvacation, thedailysneak, ctime, freedompoint, and 229 others
👎 mirty, mircil

`post_id`	83,596,630
`author`	belemo
`permlink`	fighting-with-suicidal-thoughts
`category`	hive-174578
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properties (23)vote details (295)

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boombastic	3,504,883,522	30%
pairmike	208,861,791	30%
justtryme90	364,356,990,851	42.5%
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darkstar1o9	1,345,248,491	85%
hyperbatata	3,830,415,914	42.5%
gammagooblin	10,064,976,897	30%
shadowspub	8,039,251,645	7.5%
dexter-k	29,674,646,635	15%
dashfit	9,833,047,662	42.5%
hoboway	1,070,520,383	42.5%
shafay	6,110,088,796	30%
ihsan19	759,075,585	85%
travelnepal	40,459,723,586	42.5%
azzurra92	5,011,162,508	30%
elevator09	61,206,045,309	27%
more4less	4,401,027,194	85%
sarasate	31,066,225,081	30%
tyzzzz	171,827,414	30%
ninyea	2,303,185,180	85%
vannfrik	34,670,503,945	24%
robi	13,135,505,976	30%
bargolis	3,999,641,570	30%
freedomcoin	5,537,633,687	51%
mrstaf	1,545,080,684	42.5%
roomservice	544,418,111,490	30%
simms50	3,184,257,641	22.5%
clixmoney	86,277,250,893	50%
costopher	6,468,090,960	30%
sustainablyyours	5,112,164,798	15%
trumpman	383,560,643,979	100%
christianolu	956,713,896	90%
kisom1	1,859,292,425	42.5%
diginaut	728,178,412	42.5%
idas4you	14,762,059,462	30%
friesennerz	2,194,297,303	42.5%
techken	680,438,724	5%
wesphilbin	1,836,726,906	5%
zacherybinx	2,552,741,876	85%
insteem	5,353,604,621	30%
jaraumoses	2,660,722,344	55%
lupo	8,113,049,769	30%
makrotheblack	3,281,011,614	42.5%
ccoin	30,995,195,957	30%
blessedman939	4,548,125,167	42.5%
blackmagic	3,646,827,532	85%
howo	591,258,177,585	20%
synrg	296,010,712,090	100%
pixelfan	5,404,530,626	0.95%
r3ap3r	13,642,582,256	30%
podnikatel	1,696,128,207	3%
sandybee	680,779,267	85%
tesaganewton	7,454,767,202	27.5%
sunisa	8,313,691,019	21%
jasonshick	55,932,563,362	10%
dream.trip	5,776,941,197	85%
onyi	728,322,119	68%
rehan12	4,375,153,262	5%
ogejoy	640,225,861	50%
princekelly	1,295,490,555	85%
hundlola	658,492,903	42.5%
inferno4201	7,343,429,970	42.5%
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szabolcs	11,019,060,980	30%
steemmatt	190,611,991,666	100%
tolarnee	1,011,170,136	42.5%
upme	29,631,666,433	30%
hannesl	16,142,604,358	30%
bcrafts	2,011,266,348	17%
gregan	11,201,619,753	85%
airmarshalob1	614,777,611	85%
technicalside	9,230,970,979	42.5%
ayfcot	733,699,905	85%
backtomining	9,531,462,646	12%
airhawk-project	2,186,180,326	85%
acolucky	39,074,461,306	50%
anutta	760,717,298	18.9%
kayceefresh	2,443,159,208	68%
omarfaruk7	540,878,231	85%
postpromoter	3,095,110,383,577	40%
bitbulls	66,122,526,339	100%
freedompoint	17,404,047,922	50%
kerry234	788,688,615	85%
maidisangkot	568,187,920	85%
ghoval	2,935,759,274	85%
sagarthukral	22,525,334,886	30%
ekjosh	556,259,968	85%
smartsteem	7,803,876,121,062	30%
mirfaner	753,097,839	85%
berkaytekinsen	1,526,230,348	85%
jrvacation	18,297,785,508	10%
jutdagut	649,940,497	85%
freedomtowrite	8,357,190,410	50%
robertomarinello	8,108,575,711	30%
mhm-philippines	124,106,808,902	42.5%
josephsavage	18,661,710,703	52.5%
xanderslee	5,188,065,303	85%
bebeomega	941,258,778	30%
maticpecovnik	2,971,715,318	42.5%
enjoyy	851,791,440	42.5%
williams-owb	1,214,891,095	85%
zainejj	996,425,317	30%
smooms	40,194,007,175	30%
stevenson7	1,545,830,676	42.5%
bumper	137,092,211,041	42.5%
rombtc	1,912,166,776	15%
rajib2k5	9,839,556,778	4.8%
argentoescribe	555,074,891	85%
zipsardinia	7,152,710,578	30%
rimicane	18,749,425,143	40%
akumar	2,091,849,125	85%
percyhamburg	672,984,645	85%
azmielbanjary	1,193,769,274	42.5%
spiritualmax	35,703,812,435	30%
shawncrypto	609,857,435	85%
smartmarket	136,458,869,343	30%
admiralsp	886,057,043	85%
belemo	63,416,579,135	100%
yourmaker	5,487,368,388	25%
leslierevales	605,949,795	25%
airhawk-exchange	2,360,826,118	85%
mrxplicit	1,035,031,539	85%
errajesh	7,059,313,266	30%
ran.koree	823,823,277	42.5%
soufiani	1,343,908,189	1.25%
jerrywjl	545,649,770	85%
alexabsolute	947,645,725	2.5%
nedy	19,556,267,832	30%
mastergerund	5,292,340,112	100%
kristves	1,365,700,223	100%
raise-me-up	0	0.01%
wwwfernand	119,270,394	100%
mamun123456	2,846,949,528	2.5%
loydjayme25	698,216,891	42.5%
zelenicic	4,477,808,070	30%
penderis	33,857,970,861	100%
preciousimo	1,582,997,194	85%
ihamquentin	561,216,808	100%
sportsconnect	4,315,986,781	85%
princefizzy	545,218,239	85%
antigenx	625,541,492	34%
alexandersteemit	11,896,226,668	30%
layra	9,920,503,118	30%
remarch	837,273,884	85%
atjehsteemit	792,620,353	42.5%
miroslavrc	36,887,879,627	20%
lordjames	21,840,066,132	15%
steemql	1,425,838,728	100%
kyuubi	37,769,612,552	30%
scottshots	2,310,969,188	4%
sunshinebear	875,730,435	42.5%
spe3dy123	289,825,796	30%
dropdeadfred	514,666,028	100%
stmdev	100,810,754	1%
thevote	442,016,894,751	13.2%
carloniere	885,632,588	85%
laviniatherapist	3,559,441,871	72.25%
bookoons	1,444,098,446	42.5%
bobaphet	2,342,311,385	2.5%
chuuuckie	9,515,492,669	10%
hiddenblade	582,281,795,998	100%
angelinafx	7,735,474,172	2.29%
brainpod	683,522,558	25%
thomaskatan	1,001,025,442	59.5%
amirtheawesome1	7,867,447,421	25%
srijana-gurung	10,973,933,190	30%
prosperist	197,040,738,820	100%
zapzap	6,084,928,163	30%
venzam	777,759,953	10%
crystalhuman	2,677,277,132	40%
spreadfire1	25,793,642,340	30%
minerthreat	102,167,370,004	30%
aro.steem	959,306,592	6%
steemjet	89,805,702,581	15%
shookriya	652,191,542	5.55%
mikemoi	37,081,972,069	30%
trisolaran	20,152,806,803	42.5%
stay4true	418,107,981	30%
thelonegreywolf	899,943,787	100%
nazishnaz	5,181,111,311	100%
sky.nikolas20	5,000,513,351	30%
hardaeborla	4,933,756,072	42.5%
sketch.and.jam	53,517,174,541	35%
yougotavote	2,139,961,491	24%
steemcomedyclub	596,225,295	25%
mayib	647,951,880	42.5%
redoxer	5,065,698,634	100%
femseen	1,098,357,283	70%
suonghuynh	356,806,342,428	2.29%
mentalhealthguru	1,527,331,206	30%
hammadmehdee	544,525,538	100%
mrnightmare89	1,155,269,492	3%
crowdocracy.com	1,661,390,327	100%
ambiguity	1,372,945,666	12.5%
thedailysneak	18,113,596,965	75%
ocdb	39,074,659,277,981	40%
juanhobos	718,784,042	42.5%
montanacellist	2,408,418,939	42.5%
xmrking	10,611,649,086	30%
yestermorrow	3,570,730,037	12.75%
xperiment	619,141,571	30%
alnida	2,380,838,704	100%
jcbit	149,013,012,957	30%
horriblesteemian	6,593,214,193	50%
zainenn	12,298,102,644	10%
cynicalcake	994,777,875	42.5%
smartvote	216,202,393,433	2.29%
lilkeszi	642,620,031	60%
tjessie	553,595,146	100%
jeetbhowmik	201,637,746	100%
pvinny69	11,571,813,398	42.5%
voxmortis	2,528,766,774	0.25%
coinmarketcal	7,083,711,447	11%
dcooperation	104,704,234,082	25%
behelen	1,506,579,114	25%
drfk	19,674,722,091	15%
laissez-faire	21,299,258	100%
cultus-forex	19,845,888,464	18%
jenniferjulius	1,514,639,162	42.5%
angoujkalis	1,165,382,667	42.5%
predict-crypto	3,026,524,838	1.7%
zeroc	2,019,414,526	100%
bullinachinashop	2,178,271,361	50%
edward-abu	684,971,051	85%
steemjetmedia	102,954,400,083	30%
colecornell	11,666,309,121	100%
pushpedal	757,711,026	42.5%
abdulkalam	147,697,573	100%
new-steemit	16,735,839,123	30%
general.guy	6,442,478,927	30%
crypt0renegade	32,291,455,280	30%
dilm	593,330,858	42.5%
smokingfit	1,809,251,756	95%
yuba.wallace	573,174,428	50%
orphansofdoom	579,585,520	50%
musicfan	647,636,910	50%
drugsarebadmkay	2,178,154,844	50%
rxzero	66,918,306,501	100%
bluesniper	741,578,015	0.17%
reyvape	606,262,187	85%
steemegg	7,501,096,542	21.25%
steemtank	30,192,032,808	30%
jtm.support	2,201,825,709	42.5%
wolfinator	7,748,560,925	30%
ctime	17,997,117,483	0.34%
andresurrego	14,458,822,376	30%
nengirazzy	545,587,538	100%
elizabethharvey	6,032,020,132	30%
steemdapps	33,225,661,353	30%
parth7878	1,392,650,599	42.5%
dstra	5,663,085,015	100%
kharma.scribbles	25,912,459	5.62%
aaronkroeblinger	7,077,252,015	30%
nida0417	917,563,126	100%
technohubtbi	337,743,669	100%
hungryanu	1,186,244,007	25.5%
epicdice	123,234,493,218	9%
zackarie	1,031,603,471	42.5%
swirly	1,231,190,572	42.5%
loudutim	3,330,318,269	42.5%
victartex	732,302,504	20%
juancho10	1,163,571,415	42.5%
lullio	802,382,828	100%
misschance	2,099,602,580	100%
psyo	1,823,136,136	42.5%
briarch	4,619,530,804	25%
tomlee	3,650,600,434	42.5%
kharmascribbles	15,282,003	11.24%
sports.central	6,106,057,670	100%
ilias.fragment	315,048,636	70%
hyborian-strain	711,157,497	12.75%
innerblocks	265,548,368,669	50%
wira8788	4,983,401,085	48%
opidia	6,709,784,832	100%
trafficinsider	2,142,888,843	42.5%
drlobes	8,409,281,263	42.5%
luvlylady	5,807,964,820	42.5%
lass3	3,796,636,961	30%
andylein	34,359,995,091	42.5%
tonimontana.neo	0	0.3%
sqljoker	34,298,350	2%
steemlondon	1,035,975,084	6%
mircil	-9,201,387	-10%
mirty	-9,201,387	-10%
hjmarseille	8,387,807,036	59.5%
samotrader	0	0.1%
neoxvoter	100,365,038	1.5%
creavoter	76,486,604	2%
arrit	7,688,053,465	100%
curacer	7,629,994,940	42.5%
bilpcoinpower	766,900,346	25%
ysilva4	137,407,976	100%
kgsupport	21,840,766,868	20%
oselinkz	516,638,272	100%

@belemo · Jan 20 '20

Link posted on Twitter: 
https://twitter.com/belemo__/status/1219222963783905280

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@innerblocks · Jan 20 '20

<center>***Thanks for sharing your experience with us***!
<img src="https://i.postimg.cc/P5nkXgK2/Logo2-300.png" alt="TIBLogo" style="border:none;" /></center>
###### You have been curated on behalf of **Inner Blocks**: a community encouraging first hand content, with each individual living their best life, and being responsible for their own well being. #innerblocks Check it out at @innerblocks for the latest information and community updates, or to show your support via delegation.

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@tts · Jan 20 '20

To listen to the audio version of this article click on the play image.
[![](https://s18.postimg.org/51o0kpijd/play200x46.png)](http://ec2-52-72-169-104.compute-1.amazonaws.com/belemo__fighting-with-suicidal-thoughts.mp3)
Brought to you by [@tts](https://steemit.com/tts/@tts/introduction). If you find it useful please consider upvoting this reply.

👎 mack-bot, spaminator, steemcleaner

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@ddrfr33k · Jan 20 '20 (edited)

$0.03

The call of the void can certainly be enticing.  I know what you mean.  Japan is the number 1 first world nation in terms of suicide.  There have been a variety of efforts to try and prevent this, some by government programs and others by everyday civilians.  This video went viral some time ago:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxGRhd_iWuE

Matsuoka-san is a retired tennis player, who has kind of turned into a meme.  That said, this video is still kinda relevant.  If you need someone to talk to, you can always find me on the PAL and Vimm discords. NEVER GIVE UP!!!

👍 tarazkp, abh12345, misterengagement

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@belemo · Jan 20 '20

Thanks for reaching out and yeah, I get sad sometimes but you know, I really love living and like that Japanese guy standing in cold water said in a very funny way, I'll never give up.

👍 ddrfr33k

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@ddrfr33k · Jan 20 '20

Yeah, I like Matsuoka-san.  He's pretty awesome.

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@abh12345 · Jan 21 '20

!ENGAGE 25

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@misterengagement · Jan 21 '20

<center><div class="center">https://steemitimages.com/0x0/https://cdn.steemitimages.com/50x50/https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmdHfkhCPGYcfUqZqT4Br3nsmCpeVPj1BcLoepVX2PYeAE/engagetoken.png/ </div><br><br> @ddrfr33k you have received `25 ENGAGE` from @abh12345!<br>View and trade the tokens on [Steem Engine](https://steem-engine.com?p=market&t=ENGAGE).</center><br><hr><center><sup>This tip bot is powered by witness <a href="https://untersatz.steem.design">untersatz</a>!</sup></center>

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@hiddenblade · Jan 20 '20

$0.03

While I'm reading this, I can't help but smile. Smile, because I can relate... at the same time I know that the fact that being able to write this up is a good thing. Like I always say to myself, expressing pain through any means will lessen the pain that I feel inside. And I'm glad that you shared your thoughts.

I do have them too. Usually when there's a slight inconvenience that happens to me, all I could think of is to quit. Quit now to prevent further pain. And I don't always mean *quit* as to end my life but they could just be ending relationships, ending projects, etc.. And when that thought comes up, I usually take a break from whatever that was, and examine my thoughts. I do acknowledge that it's just my anxiety and the imbalances in my brain that does this.

> People tell me I'm doing okay but I never seem to impress my biggest critic, myself.

True. Impressing ourselves is so damn hard. I do have this struggle as well. Know that you are not alone in this.

Going back to what I said earlier: Once my therapist told me that the next time I'm having suicidal thoughts again, it's good to write them down detail by detail.. Release it all in a journal or whatever you are comfortable with. Record the date as well, etc.. Next thing, write the things that you're going to miss if you choose to end your life. Something like not being able to see my brother graduate, not being able to travel to my dream place, etc.. And think if you really want to miss them. It's not about guilt-tripping you, but it's some sort of reminding you so you'll have something to look forward to.
It helped me a lot. You can do that too and I hope it helps you as well.

Also, damn damn I love your writing! Your words and how you describe your feelings are just perfect. It's like I'm reading poetry but to you it might just be your normal writing. It's a masterpiece and I'm glad I was able to come across this.

And you don't have to drink alone. Let's share a drink if you want. I hope you'll be able to taste the sweetest drink once again.

👍 tarazkp, abh12345, misterengagement, gniewomir-sotel, murh

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@belemo · Jan 20 '20

I'll probably talk to a therapist someday. In my society, mental health isn't really a priority to people and they just Chuck everything up to "pray to God". 

I'm glad there's someone else that experiences the same thoughts and you know, I'm going to try writing down all the things I'll miss. One of them is that drink, whether sweet or sour, that drink has a kick to it. 

Thanks for the compliment too, it felt really good to document my feelings.

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@abh12345 · Jan 21 '20

!ENGAGE 25

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@misterengagement · Jan 21 '20

<center><div class="center">https://steemitimages.com/0x0/https://cdn.steemitimages.com/50x50/https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmdHfkhCPGYcfUqZqT4Br3nsmCpeVPj1BcLoepVX2PYeAE/engagetoken.png/ </div><br><br> @hiddenblade you have received `25 ENGAGE` from @abh12345!<br>View and trade the tokens on [Steem Engine](https://steem-engine.com?p=market&t=ENGAGE).</center><br><hr><center><sup>This tip bot is powered by witness <a href="https://untersatz.steem.design">untersatz</a>!</sup></center>

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@steemmatt · Jan 20 '20

Wow. This was really well written with great imagery. My simple suggestion to address your curiosity of the beyond is to start meditating often to find those answers in your mind and maybe even outside your mind. Maybe you do this already, but if not, I think it'll give you a much better chance of answering some of your questions versus wondering what'd happen if you handled things the other way. Keep sharing your thoughts if you need on here. Message me anytime if you ever feel things boiling up a bit too much. Exercise also helps.

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@belemo · Jan 20 '20

Thanks Matt. I started exercising again, and sometimes I actually try to do some meditation,just to clear my head and to accept things about myself and the society at large. I feel much better now.

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@misschance · Jan 22 '20

When I read your post, I had a feeling until my belly and heart... 
I am also fighting suicidal though and getting day by day much better. Surround yourself with strong and good people and continue fighting and Steem, is what I have done and do. The sun shine outside :)

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@belemo · Jan 22 '20

It's a really tough thing to talk about openly and I'm glad I got you to talk about yours too. Thanks for the advice.

👍 misschance

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@misschance · Jan 24 '20 (edited)

Yes, it's difficult but be proud to have enough power to talk about and open yourself to people it's very important at first one or two than you will see. It's not easy, I am working on it everyday.. I hope you will get better soon. Be and stay strong.   Take this flower for you and have a nice weekend :) ![IMG_20200124_182233.jpg](https://files.steempeak.com/file/steempeak/misschance/lfe5alIN-IMG_20200124_182233.jpg)

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1 reply