I felt like I overestimated my strength and underestimated my weakness. Have you ever felt like just when you are handling things so well life starts smacking you up?
This is how I'm feeling at the moment. I feel lost and broken. And this is not just "one of those days". I feel like I've overstayed my welcome at the rock bottom. I've been rock-bottoming too much that I am no longer needed there. Maybe it's time for me to move past this phase and rethink my choices.
I think this place, where I am right now, is becoming "too much" for me to handle. I am talking about the whole island and the people in it. Back in the day, I wished for this so-called "simple life", like living away from the city and its superficiality and all the mindless consumerism, stress, and urban lifestyle.
Fast forward, here I am now in the midst of our beautiful nature. After quitting financial security and aimless wanderings, I now found myself "kind of living life on my own terms". But all with a cost.
Beneath the surface is unimaginable darkness. So I wished for things and now I have it. I should be living happily now right? But I should have known that the jungle can be a hostile place especially for those who don't belong in it. Out there are wild animals, nasty bugs, poisonous plants, and whatnot. And if you are not prepared, you are in great danger.
I don't know anymore how many times I've been the subject of the cruelty of people as a collective unit. And of insecure men who pushed me down because I don't need them to live. And of insecure women who thought I am a threat to their husbands. And of people who thought I have more to give.
And if they see you, an outsider, living on your own and worse, single, you will definitely be picked on. Without even doing anything. I am appalled at how much I can piss people off effortlessly just with the way I dress or just by my mere presence or just by simply being Me. I didn't realize how a supposedly "simple life" turned out to be toxic.
I mean I get it before moving here you should have your nose at the same level as everyone else. It's a given thing especially in a narrow-minded town where it's all about modesty and humility. Over the past 3 years, I've done everything that I could, like made friends with the locals (technically I'm a local too being from this country), changed the way I dress, and all that to make them feel better. Yes, all to the point of changing myself so as not to awaken their deep-seated insecurities.
I had never been treated with such great hostility. It's sad to have these harsh experiences in my own country. I had an introspective analysis and thought the whole time it was me. The toxic experiences injected me with anxiety and self-doubt. I felt alone and helpless but never showed it. I didn't have much of a choice but to be strong. For some reason, people have a way to push the boundaries or take advantage of you because you seem alone and vulnerable. Townsfolk get their strength in numbers. But I had enough of their ways and I want to keep my peace. I need to protect my life too because I have so many things to do in this magical lifetime. I learned to stay away from the drama by keeping my head low as I walk from the street straight to my place - every day. Because damned if you do, damned if you don't. You try to get along with them and they will push you further into their toxicity. And the more you stay away, the more they want your attention. Because you are a walking mystery. A walking threat. People don't like what they cannot know. Unless people have lived somewhere else or had some "education" or learned civilized human decency, anywhere I go on this island, I swear it's all going to be the same.
Don't fall for the tourists' quote, "people are nice". So far I've learned, nice people are the meanest people.
This is why I stopped glamorizing this whole moving to a small town with a nice nature and living a simple life. Sure, it could be different somewhere else or somewhere "more advanced". But if you are an attractive woman who is strong, independent, a go-getter, likes to be herself without fear of judgments, comfortable in her own skin, values privacy, and no problems being alone, this kind of place is definitely not for you. I suggest don't even follow my path unless you have friends or a partner who will support you and be with you all the way. Or unless you are mentally and physically strong. Because honestly, I don't even know how I pulled this off. All I know now is that it's greatly affecting my mental well-being and I don't know anymore how to tackle this mess inside my head.
I mean don't get me wrong, this is a good place in terms of cost of living. I can even live off my cryptocurrency earnings and like really live simply. My tourism business is here in which I do enjoy a lot. But you all know that this is not happening right now thanks to Pandemic. I can bear with all the struggles of small-town living for as long as I am doing what I truly enjoy. Because then things start to fade in the background. Or maybe it will help to have someone here with me or "my people", I don't know. But right now, without my passion and purpose, my life is nothing but a slow and silent death.
I appreciate you all who stick with me through all this and thank you for accepting me for what I am. Your thoughts would be helpful at this moment.
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previously, previously, previously,
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