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Recently, I've been keeping in touch with some friends I've known for a long time, most are from my uni days. To cope with all the stress and pain in this life and to somehow make them aware of my existence. I know they'd appreciate it as I've been disappearing for a while now. And of course, to make them aware that I do care about them too. My very few friends are older than me so they can be quite hard to get a hold of due to their own responsibilities, jobs, and jealous girlfriends/wives. I know they are just an hour flight away and I promise to visit them once I've carried out my project here on the island and started earning something extra for the luxury of flying. I have to make some sacrifices and delay gratification for the long-term reward, even to the point of suffering internally. I am now starting to feel how hard it is for I'm not used to it. I haven't lived a pampered life so I always believe that everything can disappear at any moment. I used to believe that I have to eat that marshmallow now for it might be eaten by someone else.

I failed to keep in touch with my friends as I've been busy with myself and trying to achieve my life goals. But you know when you solely based your happiness in achievement, it's like suffocating in a glass jar. A slow death. You are dying to get out to get that much-needed oxygen in order to live - love, companionship and meaningful human relationships. You still need that kind of oxygen no matter how much you are convinced that you love yourself or that you are perfectly fine with your own company. However, if you only based your happiness on people, then be ready for more pain and disappointment. Sometimes, I don't understand all these spiritual leaders and how they preach about self-mastery and internal happiness. And how you should be detached from the world and let everything be just a passing show. Haven't they realized that we are only humans? Perhaps their words are just some way to cope with this cruel world. It can be hard to live without spirituality.

If you are desperate for human connection, you tend to just accept the love you think you deserve. You grab someone available who shows you slight affection. It's like the masses here who are dying to see the change in the country that they accept whatever change there is that they end up justifying the leader's stupid actions. You end up becoming blind to the reality. This is the time you start forgetting yourself. You waste your time with people who don't even care about you or who are not excited to see you. You play with their ego trip and all their mind games. At the end of the day, a person can still make you feel alone. 

It's important for me to keep my power for self-preservation. The only thing that finally made me sleep better these days was when a friend told me that there should be no loss that is not acceptable, no risk that is not calculated. I realized how I'm falling into the same trap again and again. That I have become so isolated that I just accept whatever comes my way these days. I tell myself again that I will have either perfect company or perfect solitude. I'm not going to put up with the grey area or anything less anymore. It's just either fuck yes, or fuck no.

I don't know if it's the shitty weather or it's just me feeling shitty these days. It sucks to comprehend how people have the power to deprive you of humanity. People are so unfeeling and I can attribute that to the seriously flawed system that is leading to our own downfall. Our lives have been all about the money, competition and making ourselves feel more important.

They say that wise people tend to be lonelier for they see through people better. It's not that I'm wiser, I'm just less dumb I guess. The weight of my own life experiences is taking its toll.

Perfect company or perfect solitude. Easier said than done. Hell, even those who have loved ones by their side still die. Life's a bitch and there seems to be no way out of this fucking mind. You are only good for people if you're a happy horse shit. And if you start showing your flaws and dark side, you'd be thrown to the riverside. Rotting alone for all eternity. Forgotten.

I've tried connecting with new people even those who do not share my mind and interests, and I ended up just pretending. The people I can probably connect with are somewhere out there. When I was traveling, I was quite fearless for I was taking everything as my last train ride. I enjoyed whatever came and at least I was not going to die alone in a room. My life philosophy is that if I can't have perfect company then I'd rather die along the way, doing what I want, taking adventures of a lifetime. The world is so beautiful, too good to pass that up. Then I thought of Anthony Bourdain's life and I feel like I might just end up like him someday. And no, not a traveling celebrity chef with a good passport with all the camera crew and good food from around the world. Just some insignificant someone, alone in her hotel room, somewhere in this world. Died after a life well-lived.