![ADHD_road.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmapG3GCKTqeNjgfBWUuR9zUHnMnLGWgxasjfc5PYx7Dk2/ADHD_road.jpg)
<i><center>Photo by [Emma Simpson](https://unsplash.com/@esdesignisms?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/)</center></i>

<br>
<b>"I think I have either early-onset senility or a brain tumor," I said near the end of my physical after my doctor had asked if I had any questions or concerns.</b>

"Oh? What makes you think that?"

I ran through the types of embarrassing situations I had been finding myself in lately, most of which revolved around forgetfulness or a lack of focus.

(One example I brought up was a recent conversation I'd had with a colleague at the office, one in which on the surface I had appeared to be engaged, with lots of head nods and mm-hmm's. At one point,  however, I  mentioned a certain issue that I thought was important, and my supervisor looked at me for a moment, and said: "You do realize that we were <i>just</i> talking about that, right?".)

I further explained to my doctor that while  I  had been able to function  (somewhat)  with my cranial hardware,  I had come to suspect that if the average person could inhabit my mind and body even for a  few minutes, they would immediately feel as if they were on some kind of drug, or like they were struggling under a  higher level of mental gravity.

"Are these things you're talking about a  recent  phenomenon,  or have they been happening for a long time?"

I drew a blank for a moment as I let her question sink in. In my mind  I went right back to Grade 7, a school year that was marked by several instances of being called out by teachers  (often mockingly) either for not paying attention or for forgetting (yet again) to complete a project. Sometimes, the very existence of a project was a mystery to me, even though I had been present and accounted for, along with my peers, when it was first assigned.

Then my mind went to similar instances in high school,  in college,  and then to various workplaces over my adult life. Add that to all those times in my personal life where I had forgotten to do an errand or needed something explained to me multiple times.

The recurring theme of my inner dialog over the years had been that everyone else was whizzing past me in the race of life, while I was still struggling to complete the first lap.  As time went on,  I  increasingly blamed myself--after all, it must have been either a character flaw on my part or a gaping deficit in lifeskills.

I looked at my doctor and said, "I think maybe it has always been this way."

She proceeded to tell me that she was confident I  wasn't going prematurely senile,  nor that some brain tumor was the culprit. "Have you ever considered that maybe you have ADHD?"

<i>What?</i>

I could feel my reality map start to redraw itself as I processed the question. Up until that point, I'd spent <i>years</i> blaming myself for various setbacks and fumbled opportunities, and hadn't entertained the possibility that maybe it simply <i>wasn't my fault</i>.

At my doctor's urging, I had the receptionist book a  follow-up appointment to have me tested for ADHD.

<b>In the meantime, with each passing day and with much reading, I  felt like I was discovering myself for the very first time.</b> Everything I read, including Dr. Edward Hallowell's <i>[Driven to Distraction](https://www.amazon.ca/Driven-Distraction-Revised-Recognizing-Attention/dp/0307743152/ref=sr_1_1?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIkcP6rpvZ5wIVD4_ICh0KfwdHEAMYASAAEgIQz_D_BwE&hvadid=231052748623&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9000651&hvnetw=g&hvpos=1o1&hvqmt=b&hvrand=10674436123226294612&hvtargid=kwd-297299689423&hydadcr=23339_10308591&keywords=edward+hallowell&qid=1581964109&sr=8-1)</i>, made me feel that in fact, I wasn't alone at all and that there were legions of people out there who experienced the world just as   I  did,  and who felt the same sense of futility and frustration.

I've been asked several times if I've ever  been  discouraged  or disappointed by my  diagnosis  (which  turned out to be ADHD inattentive type), and I always answer, "Hell, no!" If anything, my diagnosis kicked down the doors to self-discovery, allowing me to <i>finally</i> put a name to my cluster of symptoms, find ways to cope with or work around them,  and,  most importantly, to arrive at a place of self-forgiveness.

______


<i><center>This article was composed and formatted using  the  Acme  text editor   on   a  computer  running  the  [9front](www.9front.org) operating system.</center></i>