When I first began deschooling, I started to offer more to my children. I soon discovered that my eldest absolutely never wanted me to do anything for him. At first, I assumed he was just feeling independent and truly didn’t want the help, but after awhile I began to consider what it was like for me as the oldest when I was his age.

I remember being incredibly cognizant of how hard things were for my mother, and wanting always to be as little burden as possible. I had been responsible from a young age for far more than I ought to have, and while my son hadn’t had it quite so rough, he had certainly had it ingrained in him that as the oldest, he was responsible for everything from maintaining the peace with his brother, to looking after his sister, and helping me when needed.

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[*Kids: For when a housekeeper is too expensive*](https://media4.giphy.com/media/m86lKD8u7Lrws/200w.gif#41-grid1)</center> 

I also noticed that my other children and even my husband would often respond that they didn’t want me to do something for them in a tone that clearly suggested they thought it would burden me for them to say ‘yes’ to whatever was on offer. And when I stopped to think about the way I was asking, I realized I always used a particular phrase to ask:

“Do you want me to__________?” “Do you want me to make you a sandwich?” Do you want me to get you a drink?” “Do you want me to run you a bath?” “Do you want me to make you coffee?” Even when I genuinely didn’t mean it to sound like it would be a chore, it still sounded that way, and I have to admit: There were times I meant it to sound that way. I was basically putting them in the position of saying, “Yes, please inconvenience yourself for me.”

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[*Martyrdom, it’s not just for the religious anymore*](https://media1.giphy.com/media/1aDZb1KLj0Axy/200.gif#148-grid1)</center> 

The first step I took to remediate this bit of selfishness on my part, was alter the way I offered. I purposely injected sunshine into my voice and completely eradicated “Do you want” from my lexicon. I replaced it with, “Can I _________?” “Can I make you some tea?” “Can I make your choice of dinner tomorrow?” “Can I fix you a snack?”

This had the younger kids and darling hubby answering, “Yes, please,” a little more often, but my eldest was a tough nut to crack, and there were still times even they said, “no” when I really felt they wanted to say, “yes.” So I took it to the next level: I stopped asking.

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[*Let me love you!*](https://media0.giphy.com/media/uGBgOuq2ILFAs/200.gif#247-grid1)</center> 

I started just doing what I knew they wanted. Let’s be honest: When your kid hasn’t eaten in 5 hours and his favorite food is in your kitchen, do you really need to ask him if he wants it? Make it! Take it to him where he is, tell him you were thinking he might be hungry and he needn’t eat if he’s not, but it’s there just in case. Do you really need your husband or wife to say they want the beverage they start every morning with? No! Make it, surprise them, then keep surprising them until it’s not even a surprise anymore.

Loving my family this way has been a great blessing. Before long I found the joy they demonstrated when I did something unasked for that showed I knew and loved them without them saying a word, was more reward than I could have imagined. I found them doing similar things for one another and for me.

I see mothers in help forums saying their children are unhappy even though “I offered to help with _______ but she said ‘no.’” or “I asked her if she wanted ________ but she said, ‘no.’” 

I say, don’t ask – DO. You – and your entire family – will be glad you did!

<center>![Layer 1@2x.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmX3uSpcET7hbZm5KqGXbjzkmQtexYXqu9zfm9sJ66NwoP/Layer%201%402x.jpg)</center>

>As always, thanks for reading. Please don't forget to Comment, Upvote, and Resteem!

Previous Unschooling Posts:
* *[Our Unschooling Journey - Part 1](https://steemit.com/parenting/@jrhughes/our-unschooling-journey-part-1)*
* *[When Teens Attack - Our Unschooling Journey Part 2](https://steemit.com/education/@jrhughes/when-teens-attack-our-unschooling-journey-part-2)*
* *[Confessions - Our Unschooling Journey Part 3](https://steemit.com/parenting/@jrhughes/confessions-our-unschooling-journey-part-3)*
* *[Saying "Yes" to Love - Our Unschooling Journey Part 4](https://steemit.com/unschooling/@jrhughes/saying-yes-to-love-our-unschooling-journey-part-4)*
* *[The Entitlement Epidemic 1 - Our Unschooling Journey Part 5](https://steemit.com/parenting/@jrhughes/the-entitlement-epidemic-1-our-unschooling-journey-part-5)*
* *[The Entitlement Epidemic 2 - Our Unschooling Journey Part 6](https://steemit.com/parenting/@jrhughes/the-entitlement-epidemic-2-our-unschooling-journey-part-6)*
* *[Shit Parents Say - Our Unschooling Journey Part 7](https://steemit.com/parenting/@jrhughes/shit-parents-say-our-unschooling-journey-part-7)*
* *[Fear, the Enemy of our Happiness - Our Unschooling Journey Part 8](https://steemit.com/unschooling/@jrhughes/fear-the-enemy-of-happiness-our-unschooling-journey-part-8)*

<center>![DQmRSmRyg4MdRdiKsWTMbfyiAG673K1yP65MoUTbCXGp9Xi.gif](https://steemitimages.com/DQmRSmRyg4MdRdiKsWTMbfyiAG673K1yP65MoUTbCXGp9Xi/DQmRSmRyg4MdRdiKsWTMbfyiAG673K1yP65MoUTbCXGp9Xi.gif)</center>

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