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# It is easy to pretend, easy to hide, and easy to lie to oneself, when one is alone.
Take this alone individual, however, and subject them to another individual not interested in protecting and preserving those illusions, and explosions happen.
Have you ever been home alone, thinking about friends, family, or acquaintances in a very fond way--thinking how great they are, and how you'd love to see them--only to *actually see them* and be let down?
For example, say I'm at home thinking of how much I love my wife and son, my beautiful little family, when all of a sudden, they return from their shopping trip. The door rattles open, my son calls my name, *Dadd-eeeee!* and suddenly I am annoyed. I wonder if any of you can relate.
The more I dig to find the reason for this, the more I find that it is because I am not in a place of self-acceptance in these moments. When I am alone, free to let my mind wander and let problems and things that are gnawing at me just sit on the back burner, I am "fine." Introduce other humans into the equation who want your attention (while all of it had previously been directed at ignoring/fretting about your perceived issues and problems) and being loving and kind becomes a challenge.
# What does any of this have to do with sex???
During sex, we are as naked as we can be, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. There is nothing more to hide. Sure, you can use sex as an escape, and one or both parties can pretend to be there just "for the fuck," and maybe that is true, but the underlying intimate nature of the act will always be present--regardless of whether or not it is ignored or acknowledged.
I had a friend once whose dad told me, while driving my drunk ass home from a wedding reception that, "Graham, there's nothing casual about 'casual' sex.'" Those words struck me, and stuck with me. This was coming from a guy who hadn't lived the most "responsible," "Christian" life morally. No matter who I heard it from, the message was always the same, and continued repeating throughout my life. Pastors told me this. Burnt out partiers and promiscuous hot chicks told me this. In essence, the message was:
**THERE'S NOTHING "CASUAL" ABOUT SEX. It is an *intimate* act.**
***
**Let's define *intimate* before we continue:**
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**Before any of you perhaps begin to assume I am moralizing, I would like to set the record straight. I am not preaching about what is "right" or "wrong" in regards to sexuality. How could I? I am on the same journey as everyone else, and am only telling what I have *observed.***
# My Teenage and Early-to-Mid-Twenties Sex Life, and Lack of Intimacy with Partners
A lot of times our issues are so deep we are not even aware of them. That is/was the case with me. My subterfuge was religion. *If I wear a religious mask,* I thought (though not consciously), *I can hide from intimacy in the guise of being moral, "pure," and holy.*
This evasion was not limited to the realm of sexuality, either, but certainly did show up there. For example, I simply refused to open up even emotionally, in non-sexual ways, with girlfriends. As my body matured sexually, and my partners in relationships began looking for more intimacy both psychologically and physically, I could not--or rather, *would not*--meet those needs.
# I was taught by the church and several other confused people, with basically good intentions (or so they thought, or so, perhaps, I hope to think they thought) that sex before marriage was a big no-no. A non-negotiable, **REALLY FUCKING HORRIBLE, one-way-ticket-to-hell-and-unspeakable-depravity, *TABOO.***
What is infuriating when I look back, however, is that many of these people were actually just being lazy and didn't wish to talk to young people about their sexuality in any sort of meaningful, practical, or in-depth way. They just pawned the whole shit off on "God" and "holiness" and therefore conveniently didn't have to deal with it anymore (I often wonder why people such as these never seemed to noticed that it was girls from hyper-religious church families and backgrounds which seemed to be getting knocked up left and right! It was also the boys from such families who seemed to be exceptionally promiscuous).
I took the church's advice seriously. I read books advocating that a boy and a girl never even kiss each other before marriage, and even that they should "side hug" to avoid become sexually aroused. This all made sense to me. I mean, yeah, if you don't want to have a child, or get STDS, or harm someone's emotional well-being, you should be fully committed to them before engaging in sex, and the fullest of all commitments was marriage. Plus, *the Bible said it.*
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# What nobody told me was this:
***It is 100% okay to fall in love with somebody and want to express it sexually. You now have the body of a man with all its accompanying strengths, possibilities, and desires. This is a big responsibility. If you love a girl, and want to have sex with her, remember that she is a human being with feelings, too, and that sex is a very intimate act. There is a bond there. You are a man now. Take responsibility for your own choices, health, body, and sexuality. I can help you with anything you need to know. You must use a condom if you are not ready to have kids. There are also diseases out there, so don't be a dumbass. I love you.***
I remember one of my first girlfriends saying to me:
***I think it is natural to want to be more physical as two people get to know each other.*** This was months into our relationship. I had made it clear I would not be sleeping with her. From the beginning the relationship was doomed, because, even outside of the sexual realm, I could not open up. My relationships, about up until the time I met my wife, looked like this:
* "Love-bomb" the other person into the relationship. Shower them with praise, adoration, and compliments.
* Things begin to get intimate, I either end the relationship or pretend I am totally happy and then resent the other person because they are "making me" live a lie.
* The end.
All I was doing was hiding from myself. Thinking back to what my girlfriend at that time had said, I feel a bit sad. I totally understand what she means now, but was too indoctrinated to accept myself and my own sexuality at the time.
Wouldn't it have been better--healthier--to express my sexuality openly and responsibly? Enjoying my own body and my partner's body and this relationship--experiencing what human intimacy and sexuality really mean? I doubt the relationship would have worked or lasted into "adulthood", but I wonder, what is wrong with making a "mistake?" What is wrong with learning and growing in a state of responsibility and self-acceptance, from experience?
**For the man or woman who cannot accept his or her self, intimacy becomes impossible. I quoted Ayn Rand from her novel *Atlas Shrugged* in the first installment of this series, and I will quote her again, now:**
>Sex is a physical capacity, but its exercise is determined by man’s mind—by his choice of values, held consciously or subconsciously. To a rational man, sex is an expression of self-esteem—a celebration of himself and of existence. To the man who lacks self-esteem, sex is an attempt to fake it, to acquire its momentary illusion. Romantic love, in the full sense of the term, is an emotion possible only to the man (or woman) of unbreached self-esteem: it is his response to his own highest values in the person of another—an integrated response of mind and body, of love and sexual desire. Such a man (or woman) is incapable of experiencing a sexual desire divorced from spiritual values.
~*The Voice of reason*
>The man who despises himself tries to gain self-esteem from sexual adventures—which can’t be done, because sex is not the cause, but an effect and an expression of a man’s sense of his own value . . .
~*For the New Intellectual*
>Sex is one of the most important aspects of man’s life and, therefore, must never be approached lightly or casually. A sexual relationship is proper only on the ground of the highest values one can find in a human being. Sex must not be anything other than a response to values. And that is why I consider promiscuity immoral. Not because sex is evil, but because sex is too good and too important . . . .
~*Playboy, March 1964*
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# In Summary
Sex is a response to human values. All of your voluntarily chosen relationships are. Many of my first partners were females with low self-esteem. We ended up in toxic relationships which essentially amounted to little more than mutual vampirism. I could not receive myself. They could not receive or accept themselves. Therefore, we attempted to find our value in the other individual who, almost laughably--if not for being so sad--was completely unable to give this affirmation *because they did not possess it in the first place, within themselves.*
My sexual history has been one of shame, promiscuity, and violent behavioral swings. Ashamed "dry sex" with clothes on (harming both my physical body and self-esteem), unprotected sex with partners I was not committed to, and violent behavioral swings, from an extremely morose and rigid moral Puritanicalism, to almost pure, vacuous and unhinged hedonism, back and forth, over and over. This only started to change as I began to accept myself, and to accept my sexuality as part and parcel (and as a beautiful part and parcel, at that--not to be rejected, suppressed, or disdained, but received, celebrated, and fully embraced, 110%) of my very self.
***The religious myth that human sexuality and human sexual desire is "evil" must be dropped. If it is evil that perpetuates humankind, makes babies which are so beautiful and pure, and bonds two people together in the ultimate expression of human values and self-esteem, then, sorry as I may be to say it, let the "evil" prevail and the "good" be damned!***
We can see through observation that it is *both* the moralizing religious institutions such as the church *and* the "liberal" and statist schools of thought (advocating "free love" and indiscriminate promiscuity) that miss the mark. Sex is finally and most beautifully a *human* force to be reckoned with. Churches and governments are about control, and sex is not something easily controlled. Indeed, it is the self-perpetuating and self-celebrating force of ***life itself.***
In the end, it is very simple. If you don't like life, or yourself, you won't like sex, or be able to receive, accept, enjoy, and fully embrace your own sexuality, and vice versa.
# Sexuality is rhythm. Rhythm is creation. Creation is life.
# ~KafkA
# ~*~
*Thanks for joining me again today for this installment of my series on sexuality and self-acceptance. If you missed the previous installments, please feel free to view them here:*
[Part I](https://steemit.com/sexuality/@kafkanarchy84/sexuality-and-self-acceptance-the-final-frontier-and-the-last-golden-cow-to-be-destroyed-part-ii-cultural-programming-sex-as)
[Part II](https://steemit.com/sexuality/@kafkanarchy84/sexuality-and-self-acceptance-the-final-frontier-and-the-last-golden-cow-to-be-destroyed-part-ii-cultural-programming-sex-as)
[Part III](https://steemit.com/sexuality/@kafkanarchy84/sexuality-and-self-acceptance-the-final-frontier-and-the-last-golden-cow-to-be-destroyed-part-iii-masturbation-and-auto-erotic)
***
*Graham Smith is a Voluntaryist activist, creator, and peaceful parent residing in Niigata City, Japan. Graham runs the "Voluntary Japan" online initiative with a presence here on Steem, as well as Facebook and Twitter. Hit me up so I can stop talking about myself in the third person!*
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