[![Thumbnail](http://ipfs.io/ipfs/QmcqMNQD4J3snVV886uptRQkD4iJDibT1y4ahfSUipBeGD)](https://dlive.io/video/kayclarity/b7286b10-3779-11e8-8283-8f78150dfecd)

A few of you have heard the story by now, but I made this iPhone video this last summer after just reaching a bit of a breaking point with my music career. 

I just got tired, tired, tired of not having the money to do nearly anything to get my career off the ground, and feeling stuck in this brutal, discouraging cycle, and finally just said.. "You know what?  I'm just going to do what I can with what I have.  I need a visual, and I need to share this song.  I don't care if it's amateur or whatever--I just want something that expresses the song and gives me something I can share."

So I went for a walk and made this one-take video.  And it's become an important symbol for me, as well as something I truly treasure and find beautiful.

I'm a bit of the classic "starving artist" as of yet, but for me that label has been compounded due to serious recurring health issues over the last few years that have left me unable to work.  

Honestly, it's been brutal.  

I went from being someone who could smash anything I tried/took on, someone adventurous, strong, ambitious, but still concerned about relationship and beauty, with what seemed like a never-ending reserve--to being almost completely flattened, barely getting through my degree, and sometimes physically barely able to get up for more than an hour a day.

Through medication, supplements, rest, and respecting my limitations, I've made a lot of progress since the worst of it (which was really, really bad), but I'm nowhere near back to my "old self."  And truthfully there are a lot of good things about that and much that I've learned (empathy, patience, humility, vulnerability), but the hardest part is that in spite of it being so long-term, I never get used to this new version of myself.  

I keep expecting to be able to do more than I can currently do, so I end up disappointed a lot.  I keep thinking I'm vibrant and strong when mostly I'm more quiet and slow and hidden. It's a constant, strange, alienating experience--to not recognize yourself, really, and to not really know how your story will turn out at all, or to believe it could possibly end up okay.

So, as you can probably understand, when you try, in spite of being so weak and torn down by life, to give your heart and life and music to a world that is largely not listening and doesn't seem to care about the beauty and stories and goodness you ache to give--the one thing you still feel able to give--it can damn nearly destroy you.  

I felt that happening to me.  It was excruciating in ways it's hard to articulate. Sometimes I'm amazed it didn't.

So this video, humble as it is, was a triumph.

I am proud to share it with you today, as well as a song I wrote a few years back in the thick of my health struggles, which was coupled with degrees of misunderstanding and abandonment most people can only understand if they've been through something similar--it's truly a treacherous road to lose your health and vitality, in more ways than you would ever think.  I know I didn't "get" people with chronic health issues until it was my own story.

I hope this song and video can mean something to you as well.  I'd really appreciate your support, but more than anything, I hope that you can feel encouraged in whatever you are struggling in now, or in whatever struggles you're observing in a loved one, and remember that there is hope as long as you just keep trying to show up and give what you have.  

Loaves and fish or something like that.

xx,
Kay

My video is at [DLive](https://dlive.io/video/kayclarity/b7286b10-3779-11e8-8283-8f78150dfecd)
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YouTube in case of lag: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEs_f-eF0GA

#### *If you'd like to support my artistic work more directly:*

**Litecoin:** LMSg8b9KPKBygYTDSsaVgWobTmVqvcLeUi
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**Ethereum:** 0x7a35a56d645710b0f1916f519f6ef64b3a537696

# Follow @kayclarity for music, poetry, and thoughts on life, art, and beauty.