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Yesterday, I went to the mall tobuy everything we need to celebrate mother's birthday. Tonight, am sure I have a busy hour because tomorrow will be my mother's day and we will surprise her when she wakes up. At her age, she looks younger because she likes to take care of herself like a single young lady. My wishes for her for her birthday are more years to come and a healthy body. She has always a happy life which is as colorful as the picture above. It may not great sometimes-she thought she shouldered the world as a mother, but life is colorful for her. Now that I've grown, I admired her bravery as a woman. 

When I was young, I was confident to be like my mother who handles everything in the middle of the rain. But for me,  those challenges I came across were strange. While I age, my confidence was gone slowly. I treated myself the greatest enemy, maybe because I was bullied before. While we climb into adolescence, our consciousness ascends further. 

I painted my life in black and white. My self-trust was on the ground. I never knew how to add different hues on it because I was captured by my burning past from diverse lies. I was nevermore happy to socialize or along with my lover. It was hard to control like I wanted to get everyone's attention all the times, but I wasn't able to do it because I didn't look good and no one cares of me because people only care for those who look good. People only love those who have the looks acceptable in the society. 

When I was an infant, I already encountered rejection. They hated me because I had the dark skin. My mother retold a story when she left me home with my relative to go to the river to wash our clothes. When she came back home, she outran me in a hammock with wet clothes, messy and crying face while my aunts enjoyed chitchatting in the balcony. They never liked me. 

When I was 10, I was bullied by our neighborhood with 20 years old gap than me. He said I looked like an ugly duckling like my father in a brown skin. 

When I was 12, I heard my mother's visitors laugh looking at me who looked different than my sister with a fair skin. I was in front of them in the living room watching TV in pain at the young age. As my younger sister and I drank the milk served by my mother, I walked out of the living room with my intense emotion. I hid inside the cabinet in the room in melancholy and whimpering. 

I was traumatized in remembering those sad days before, but when I reached the teenage years, I thought that if I will not fight, how can I have a peace of mind? How can I have a happy life? It is not the other people that can help me to overcome the trauma but myself. Nevertheless, things sometimes went back over and over again that shoved my relaxed mind to reminisce about my past. 

I feared everything and was anxious. I was scared of rejection. My fear and anxiety pushed other people away who were good to me. It can affect any person's relationship especially if the other side cannot understand what a person wants. Living with fear and anxiety made me miserable for many years. I kept comparing myself to other people. I always downgraded myself thinking I can't do what other's can, my looks are not acceptable as well as my ability. In a relationship, the thought of "cheating" comes out in my brain oftentimes, there was no peace. 

One time when my lover and I dated, both of us planned to be together for six days. Being together for one day, I never had a peace of mind. My brain taunted my thoughts with comparisons and higher expectations. I expected my lover to do such thing for me like what other boyfriends did to their girlfriends. Then I became sensitive, anxious, and scared that he will never do it or left me sooner or later. I suddenly asked him for permission to leave and go back home. He was mad and disappointed. When I arrived at the house, I cried to realize how crazy I was for leaving him alone. Then, he went back to his country in rancor. 

There were many people that left me according to my craziness because I focused on the bad sides of me physically, psychologically, and even on the institutional background. If my wicked behavior is there, I focus on thinking of my problem throughout the day than to eat, go out to enjoy, or to do the other chores. 

But I am proud to say that I am an overcomer psychologically.  I thought I was rejected but I assumed. The Satan corrupted my mind in wickedness but God woke me up from his lies. Satan knew my weakness. We should fight the demon in our minds by hiding our weaknesses and to always claim we are strong. 

We can never love another person if we don't love ourselves. Disliking ourselves can cause self-doubt and resentment. We will hate those we think that are attractive than us, smarter than us, and richer than us. Above all, we complain and hate God. We think that the Lord had created us equally but some are more equal than the others in different levels. But let's remember that His love for us is fair, it just happens that we have different beauty in our own way. Every one of us has each downside because no one is perfect. We all have a different version of our own. Even cloning with the same looks has a different personality, the pieces of evidence show how unique we are.

We can never live a bright life if we always put ourselves down. Aside from living a tormented life, our journey into beginning a new self is trapped. None will happen to our lives if we authorize the negatives before acting. People will dislike us if we feel so low about ourselves and we can't love anyone else if we don't love ourselves more.  

Instead of reminiscing about the bad experiences we had in the past, why not to move on to look for its good purpose and live with it? Why not use our past to grow up? If we don't like for who we are, we should be embarrassed. God created us in the process. We are His products that not yet undone. We cannot complain to Him when will our turn to experience the right timing because we have no control. His plans are better than ours. 

Begin loving yourself today to live a vivid life because yourself is your greatest enemy upon reaching your hopes and dreams if you sublet the lies to lead your ways. Loving yourself is your deadly weapon to slay down the wickedness in your mind. Continue battling the race of life, but as you battle, enjoy fighting because life is too short to waste your times of Satan's deceptions, rather, be humble and calm by waiting for the God's process. Certainly, you will be crowned in the victory. 

Keep confident, relax, and be thankful for who you are in order to color your world. God will change you little by little in a secret way. The great things that fell today is a part of His process to change us and loving ourselves is accepting Him wholeheartedly and His plans. He targetted us to experience troubles because He trusts us that we will overcome it.</center>

Disclaimer: The illustration is original. Joel Osteen motivates me. You may visit his Youtube channel. 

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