In a move that is undoubtedly going to cause chaos for landlords in Santa Monica, the city has extended its moratorium on residential and commercial evictions and extended it from six to twelve months.
This is the time that tenants now have to pay rent they were unable to pay before.
Interim City ~~gopher~~ Manager Lane Dilg said,
“The city is constantly monitoring the emergency situation that we have created from nothing ,and are updating our local orders to provide the most irresponsible and meaningless response.
Our orders are in line with the current policy of screwing over people that we've consistently screwed over in the past".
She added,
"...you know, those people who value their credit ratings, and who think that the financial system is here to help them."
She also pointed out that,
"...This new policy will also give the opportunity for those living in the locale, who have brains, to bugger off somewhere else.
These 'thinking on your feet' types of people, are not the ones we want in this kind community. Just look at HIVE, for example".
She finished off the statement by saying,
"Non thinkers always make for the best cash cows, and these are the preferred tenants that we would like to see in Santa Monica.
We at government office take enormous pride in the fact that we are professional milkers, and we'll do everything we can to keep those teats a gushing."
The extensions of the moratorium period and the time to pay back the unpaid rents, are intended to provide some relief to residents and small businesses, restaurants, and offices.
This woefully ill thought out plan has the full backing of the Santa Monica, Everything Going Socialist, board. (S.M.E.G.S)
One resident said to us " Those guys on the decks of the Titanic who suggested playing music as the ship went down, had a better game plan than this farce."
Under the new bill, tenants can simply describe in a written notice without any proof, of how their earnings have been impacted to due to the farcical psi op.
City spokesperson, Constant Fellatio said,
"Landlords must notify tenants of the moratorium and it does not require tenants to enter into any payment plans for delayed rent, although tenants must repay any unpaid rent 12 months after the city lifts its emergency orders, of which we have no intention of ever lifting."
She went on to say,
"If they don't repay, then there will be severe repercussions, including nasty letters stating they are not playing fair, and also may be subject to a Judge shouting at them, within 497 months after renegading on their contractual obligations."
When things return to 'normal', tenants have two choices - either use their full 12 months breathing space before eventually paying their landlords - or decide to stiff them and 'do a runner'.
#### _Initial polls suggest that around 98.8% of tenets favor the second option._
Speaking of stiffing, Contsant Fellatio has tabled a motion to allow any very good looking female tenants (under the age of 40), to offer an 'alternative possibility' so as to be able to continue paying rent, without actually parting with any money.
(some parting will be required, however).
This has yet to be approved, as some feminist groups are outraged, and are complaining that getting 'things for free' is their right, and they have zero obligation to use their talents to make the best of a bad situation.
Spokeswoman Miss A. Butchdyke, said " This is a totally discriminatory and oppressive, idea.
There isn't a single member of our group that would qualify for this initiative."
If the 'payment by passion ' initiative _isn't_ approved, it seems that many landlords in Santa Monica will not only be getting the short end of the stick, there won't be any stiffing going on, whatsoever.
It seems that many property owners will just say 'fuck it' after this stupendously stupid 'deferment of rent' law, was passed.
It's feared that they will unload the ~~lead wights from around their necks~~ rental units onto the open market, flooding supply, thus driving prices into death spiral.
It's also been reported that several bank branches of Santa Monica offices (Goldman Sachs, BOA, and Citi bank) , were not available for comment, due to them closing all their offices.
It appears that they have all buggering off to Hawaii for 'the party of all parties'.
One anonymous banker told us " Fuck me, we are gonna _have to_ take a long break now, because in a few months time, we're gonna be busy, like, 24/7. Transferring all that amount of wealth from them, to us , is gonna be, like, seriously hectic ."
**Banking business will open and resume as normal in around 4 months time.
Anyone wishing to use the services from these Santa Monica branches, please email:
High_in_Hawaii@wegotyabacks.com
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#### In other Santa Monica news:
U-haul self drive vans, will no longer be available, after March 2021- for approximately 8 weeks.
_This is due to their entire inventory being booked and paid for, in advance_.
*Uhaul are also advertising in Texas and Nevada right now, for workers to drive back 30,000 empty trucks to southern California.
(Contracts will be commencing early April 2021).