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Each doctor's appointment brings a new challenge. A new diagnosis or a new medication, as if you were adding them to a collection or something. When this happens, you experience an odd mix of feelings: fear, sadness, frustration, despair, hope, faith and curiosity.

From the moment you enter the clinic until you are actually told the results of your tests, time seems to dilate and it feels like an eternity. The medical check up adds more tension and you want more desperately to reach that part where you are told there is nothing to worry about, that everything is fine with you.

By the time your doctor delivers the news, your mind has already created and played thousand and one scenarios, one more scarier than other. You finally tame your mind and focus on your breath to calm down. You count the breaths you take in and try to shut down your brain for a few minutes. 


You want to absorb every single word that comes out of his mouth, fearing that if you forget one, you will not be able to follow through. Suddenly the thought that you could have brought someone with you or at least record the conversation  pops up in your mind.  You tell yourself: "Too late for that! You're all you've got!" and struggle to grasp what your physician is trying to tell you.

Since the anxiety kicked in, you are partially focused on what he says. Although you are looking straight into his eyes while he is addressing you, somehow you are far. You drifted away the moment you heard the word "surgery".

 That wasn't part of the plan! It wasn't included in the script. Where the heck did it make its way up? Nobody ever mentioned heart surgery before! 

As panic settles in and focusing on the breathing fails to deliver the expected outcome, the shortness of breath feels more acute than ever. Along with it, the pressure on your chest gets stronger. A wave of heat wraps around your head and you can no longer maintain your eyes on the doctor. 

Your mouth tries to enunciate a word but there is no sound coming out. Tears run down your cheeks. You weren't aware that you were crying. The salty taste on your lips takes you by surprise. You feel weak. Powerless. Scared. Freaked out. 

A moment later you try to regain your composure and put yourself together. "It could have been terminal cancer! It could have been worse!" Somehow those two sentences that aimed to make you feel braver, didn't manage to deliver the idea. You are still scared. 

Nothing adds up! How did we go from having a nasty cold to a heart condition? How did it get so severe into such a short time? How come no one see it coming? Wasn't there anything that could have prevented this? Or is there anything else that can be done to avoid having  a major heart surgery? Like meds, pills, other treatments! It has to be something!

Why everyone tells you that you are lucky? What the hell do they know about how it feels living in your shoes? They never gasped for air nor touched fingers with death in their whole life! Not a good moment to chat about where is the fairness in all this! Bad news never come alone! You stare at the wall and wonder where do you go from there...