Sharing some dating wisdom to celebrate my 10 year anniversary. by mattclarke

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relationships · @mattclarke ·
$16.62
Sharing some dating wisdom to celebrate my 10 year anniversary.
<h3>So you're a sweet guy, if a little awkward around girls, and you'd like to find one to go the distance, but don't know how to get from here to there?</h3>

*Good news;* you're going to be fine. You have all the skills you need, we're just going to slightly tweak your approach and turn a weakness into a strength.
*Bad news;* if you want to be a player this strategy will not help you. Look elsewhere.

A lot of advice consists of a dozen bullet points, all of which fly straight out of your head as soon as a girl looks at you; that's not the case here. 
You only have to remember one thing.

<center><h3>Be a campfire.</h3></center> 

<center>https://thumbs.gfycat.com/GargantuanGoodnaturedBlackpanther-size_restricted.gif</center>
<center>[Source](https://thumbs.gfycat.com)</center>

**Fire can burn, but it also provides light and warmth, and keeps the wolves away.** 
Don't be a wildfire, don't be an ember, be a campfire, and don't change. 
If she walks away don't chase her. That's terrifying, being chased by fire. 
If she shuffles in closer, don't flicker and die; just be consistently warm. 
Don't let her decide how you act. You're a campfire. If she wants to keep her distance, missing out on your warmth, that's her call.
If she wants to get brave and sit really close with her shoes off, that's fine too. 
The girl you want is looking for a campfire and she'll run all sorts of experiments to see how you react. 
Don't react. Don't change. 
It's not up to her whether or not you're a campfire, you just are.
Your only role is to be warm, kind, supportive and encouraging, consistently, to everyone.

Now this isn't a 'being likable' guide, and you're probably thinking I've just punched your ticket to the friendzone. 
You're right. I have. Get into the friendzone, and don't try to get yourself out.
You can't and you won't.

Disappointed yet? 
*At least you're starting to realise you already have the necessary skills.* 

Don't just endure the friendzone, genuinely enjoy it. Land yourself in another girl's friendzone, and another's.
Practice being a campfire constantly until it's second nature; and establish as many close friendships as you have the time for, aim for a minimum of four.  

<center>http://www.megalongcc.com.au/girls%20at%20campfire%202.jpg</center>
<center>[Source](http://www.megalongcc.com.au/glampcamp_girls_getaways.htm)</center>

<h2>And that's it. That's the advice. You can literally stop reading here and just come back to thank me in a year or two.
The rest is just explaining why it'll work out so well for you.</h2>

___
___

You kept reading. Where's the trust?

The problem with the friendzone is that the girl's getting most of the benefits of a relationship while keeping her options open; including the option to bump you up to boyfriend should the need arise. 
**That's only a problem from your perspective, certainly not from hers.** 
Even if she likes you enough to want to date you; she may be genuinely unwilling to risk the closeness and support you provide by starting a relationship which could crash and burn, taking the friendship with it. 
Any move you make will undermine the friendship and jeopardise your campfire status, which is why you won't be making any. The threat to the status quo; her motivation to escalate, needs to come from elsewhere. 

You're not finishing last, because you're not in the race. You're the prize. You're a campfire. 
If she doesn't draw up plans to build a home around you and turn you into a fireplace, leaving the other girls out in the cold, she knows one of the other girls will. 
The more girls cooking marshmallows on you, the less certain each girl will be in the long term security of her source of warmth and support. 
You're not threatening to leave or change, but she knows what'll happen as soon as another girl locks you down. 
If she's not in a white-picket-fence head-space this threat will be insufficient motivation to make a move, and that's okay. You're not trying to pick up a fling, and you're not targeting a specific girl. 
*You're not targeting anything.
You're the prize. 
You're a campfire.* 
The kind of girl who wants what you're offering will know that it won't be available for long, and that each time she sees you might be the last time you're single. 
If she hates her straight hair, she'll imagine a curly haired girl on your arm next time she sees you. If she's self conscious about being tall, she'll picture meeting your petite girlfriend. 
This will colour her perception of you, and infuse the friendship with a sense of urgency on her part.

**Do not try to play on her insecurities.**
A: That's the opposite of being a campfire.
B: You're not as subtle as you think you are. 
C: You're not racing. You're the prize. Be worth winning.

Navigating dating can be a real nightmare, particularly if you feel like you're not getting anywhere or you're worried you'll end up alone. This way, you don't need to try and push the friendship towards a relationship. You don't need to be nervous about making a move, and you can genuinely relax and enjoy the company of girls, getting to know them as real people instead of marks. It might be hard, but you only have to get it right once.
<h3>Don't try to escape the friendzone. It's actually pretty fun, and you won't be there long.</h3> 

https://i.imgur.com/QcbLj8z.jpg
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@roselover ·
$0.15
Beautiful when relationships last a lifetime
Very beautiful pictures, friends
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@o07 · (edited)
$0.39
What can I say but...

True words of wisdom from @mattclarke

#bethecampfire #justwriteabookalreadymate #signmeacopy

https://media.giphy.com/media/1jWcaalWInTRozCziW/giphy.gif
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@builderofcastles · 
I am not saying that this approach is wrong, but ... i don't know,... you aren't really telling the reader why it works.

You need to have several women.
You need to pass all the shit-tests by being a "campfire".
You have to avoid all the emotional manipulation the women will attempt upon you.

Which means you set the tone of the friendship.
You don't give in, you don't side with her when she cries about the cad that she couldn't catch.

This works because these things all attract women.
They want a man they can't manipulate.  That won't automatically agree with them.
The want a man that other women want.
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@mattclarke · 
You've certainly touched on some valid points, particularly 'They want a man they can't manipulate'.
I worded the piece quite carefully to avoid making generalisations, but that's something I've noticed too.
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@enjoywithtroy ·
$0.33
Good advice.  I've been out of the dating arena for some time and appreciate reading this.  You probably remember my late sweetheart passed away and I'm learning things of vastly changed in dating.  Again I truly appreciate your perspective @mattclarke
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@mattclarke · 
Hard to get the energy together under those kind of circumstances, mate.
Don't rush yourself. The good ones take up a lot of real estate for a long time.
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@ssg-community · 
Thank you for your continued support of SteemSilverGold
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@tts · 
To listen to the audio version of this article click on the play image.
[![](https://s18.postimg.org/51o0kpijd/play200x46.png)](http://ec2-52-72-169-104.compute-1.amazonaws.com/mattclarke__sharing-some-dating-wisdom-to-celebrate-my-10-year-anniversary.mp3)
Brought to you by [@tts](https://steemit.com/tts/@tts/introduction). If you find it useful please consider upvote this reply.
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@glenalbrethsen ·
$0.38
Best. Dating. Advice. Ever.

I like it. Don't run the race. Be the prize. Let them come to you. Have your own set of requirements (you did say to befriend several girlsβ€”I'm assuming that means you choose who those girls are, too), and then let them figure out what they want.

What happens if the girl is also being the campfire? Do you become one big campfire, or do you burn separately forever?

I've been happily married now for nearly 30 years, so not needing this advice (at least as far as I know now), but I can see it could apply to all kinds of relationships, so I'll keep that in mind.

I am the campfire. I am the prize. :)
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@mattclarke ·
$0.04
Thanks mate. You're 3x more qualified than me :)
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@glenalbrethsen ·
$0.26
To hand out dating advice. Noooooooo.

I wouldn't have come up with the campfire analogy, no way. I would have tried to tell someone that patience wins out in the end, though. Too many high expectations (on the other person, not us), that need to be ran over by reality first. We need to be the person we want for our spouse. That's what I've learned, but I learned it after the fact.

I readily admit I got lucky. I married about as up as you can get. I'm still nowhere near catching her. And, I guess, that's okay, though. :)
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@aliraxa · 
😍😍😍 beautiful couple ❀️❀️❀️
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@yungchief · (edited)
$0.21
There is this certain girl I like so much but said she isn't ready to go into a relationship. I will apply your advice and put them into action. Keeping that Friendzone tag, hopefully she might change her mind with time.

>You kept reading. Where's the trust?

Hahahahaha, curiosity of human, we want to know whats next and not miss anything especially when it comes to relationship/dating.

Thanks for this, you got yourself a beautiful angel as a wife with a smile so heavenly.
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@minismallholding ·
$0.44
Aww! Look at you guys ten years younger! 
Hubby reminded me last night that today is our anniversary. I think he might have had a reminder from my dad, because we usually always forget! It'll be 11 years for us, but it took us 14 years to get around to a wedding. Maybe that's why we always forget...
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@mattclarke ·
$0.04
You got yourselves a couple of cute flower girls this way :)
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@minismallholding ·
$0.42
We did! We celebrated Izzy's fourth birthday 3 days later with the top cake from the wedding. The honeymoon was Butlins! πŸ˜†
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@empress-eremmy ·
$0.03
Lol happy anniversary dear. You should write about it
πŸ‘  
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@minismallholding · 
Thank you. I don't think it'll be much to write about though! πŸ˜…
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@themadgoat ·
$0.20
I have no idea how to pick up a girl, because I've never tried. I just never gave a shit. I'm fine being alone. Girls get hit on and chased so much that when a dude doesn't give a shit it drives them crazy. To them, I am the prize, and I love when they spend $50 on darts popping balloons hoping they are going to get the giant Tazmanian Devil doll and all they get is some bottom level, generic Teddy Bear.
πŸ‘  
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@wa2qr ·
$0.13
Aww you guys look adorable together. Great advice too. Being a campfire, could provide light and warmth too and no harm. Great tips , will surely take these. Thanks though
πŸ‘  ,
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@truthforce ·
$0.13
Congrats, me and my ole lady are a bit behind ya in years heh :)
πŸ‘  
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@ryivhnn ·
$0.35
Happy decade! :D

<center>[![goatsig](https://technonaturalist.net/sites/default/files/styles/sensible_display/public/art/2017/11/goatsig-t.png?itok=Ml3FDq7c)](/@ryivhnn)</center>
πŸ‘  
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@mattclarke · 
Thanks Ry :)
It certainly has been.
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@mumofmany ·
$0.42
Congratulations on ten years!!
Also that was the best relationship analogy ever!
I plan on stealing it for my children when they are older and come to me for advice.
πŸ‘  
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@mattclarke · 
Thanks :)
I've had a couple of mates see a lot of success embracing this mentality.
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@mmo-mmo ·
$0.23
Great metaphor for how to behave in a way that is neither needy or threatening... I wish I had read something like this in my younger days!

Cheers!
πŸ‘  
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@thedamus ·
$0.71
Fun post MC! ...and i couldn’t agree more πŸ˜œπŸ‘
Me β€˜n Mrs. D are rock n roll buddies, and a whole lot more besides
πŸ‘  ,
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@mattclarke ·
$0.14
You only have to get it right once :)
πŸ‘  
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@shaidon ·
$0.42
This was amazing, and I hope life changing for many many guys,
including myself.

I am upvoting and resteeming this as, in reality, these are sorts of
blog posts that really need to be in the trending, hot and promoting
sections here on Steemit. 

There's a term for people who are the exact opposite of this, 'f*ck boys'.
The pick up artists who are only out for one night stands, etc.
Sure they get the 'numbers' of partners but they increase their risk of STI's, and a whole mess of trouble.

I can also see a deeper metaphor for posting here on Steemit. At first, there is a tendency to rush out as many posts as you can. You want to raise reputation, SBD, Steem and so forth as much as you can and as a result the quality of what is posted plummets and everything backfires.

The campfire mindset translates to Steemit in the same way.
Real thought, care and compassion for our follower in our posts takes time, is slower, but ultimately leads to a higher reputation and more upvotes / SBD / Steem in the long run.

That is a great photo, by the way.
πŸ‘  
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@mattclarke · 
Thanks, mate. 
I never understood why dudes pride themselves on one-nighters.
Surely having a girl want to sleep with you again and again is the thing to be proud of.
πŸ‘  , ,
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@shaidon ·
$0.18
Yeah it is. What's incredible is that you can uplift other people, see their inner beauty and bring out their best.

I have always wondered what happens to the women who have been on the end result of this sort of thing. It must be demoralizing, degrading, etc.

When you heard a woman say "all the good ones are taken" you know it's wrong, and that this mindset is one that is holding them back from seeing that sometimes the best guys for them are often already in their lives.
πŸ‘  
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@shaidon · 
And congrats on 10 years!
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@vikron ·
$0.08
The nature of the fire is indeed impressive. Fire is hot, why many people are happy with the fire ungun, because mamfaatnya very good. Looks friendly with us, what else when we sit together, with the heat and light that makes our bodies warm@mattclarke
πŸ‘  ,
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@pocketechange · (edited)
$0.20
Well...  Now you've got me thinking of turning my Posts into a Camp Fire...    Wouldn't that be nice to have a Group of People enjoying my Posts...???  I see you have no problems getting comments...  Way to go...
πŸ‘  
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@golamor · 
You have many fun and educational posts.
Your post seems very good to me. Hope you post it again.
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@nurhayati ·
$0.21
@mattclarke, the bonfire of his name in my place, very many benefits, one of which can burn fat😍
πŸ‘  
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@mattclarke · 
Love it :)
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@lordnigel · (edited)
$0.18
CongrATS!

err...I don't remember seeing girls like that sitting around my fire pit. 

..But, I think the post is fantastic and as I'm high on the introvert scale, this hits home - the dating thing is tough and confusing and often you can look inwardly and believe if things aren't working the problem is somehow with yourself and the weight can be heavy. 

The guidance to controlling your feelings and always steering them toward the positive side is great, this post is fantastic, thanks for sharing
πŸ‘  
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@mattclarke ·
$0.04
Thanks, mate :)
I think it's so easy to get inside your own head and do all sorts of damage. You just need to remember, no matter how incredible she is, you can be happy with someone else, so take the pressure down :)
πŸ‘  
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