![thumbnail_20190609_172111.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmcoJg5fxCJL5w7t5dpLBesiNhoe135qhbeT4DUfnKv6HP/thumbnail_20190609_172111.jpg)


Giddiest of ups to all who joined us for @clayboyn 's [Coffee and Philosophy](http://mspwaves.com/show/coffee-philosophy/). on the much loved [MSP Waves](http://mspwaves.com/) and [P.A.L Discord Network](https://discordapp.com/invite/HYj4yvw). The recording of this particular show can be found here: [Coffee and Philosophy Ep. 64](https://steemit.com/philosophy/@clayboyn/coffee-and-philosophy-ep-64).

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The show this week was influenced by the following two programs about relationships and how they are presented, perceived and also what we experience while in them. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzRjfA_9Akw
[Easy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzRjfA_9Akw)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssr40U3-do0
[Black Mirror: Striking Vipers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssr40U3-do0)

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This week we jumped into relationships, more specifically open relationships, but we did kind of define the 'standard' relationship as is described by societal/cultural norms.... You know, house on the hill, vanilla skies, picket fences, matching cars , 2.5 kids, etc.

The concept of this construct being the 'norm' sets the standard by which we are all measured, unfortunately we are individuals and we may want different things and this is where the issue rises.

Unfortunately, the world we currently live in is by design a self correcting system, the social and societal norms are reinforced by the people in it. Meaning, if we deviate form this norm we are often scorned and pressured by those around us to conform to what is seen as 'normal'.

<center>https://pics.me.me/normal-is-an-illusion-what-is-normal-for-the-spider-12250820.png
[No Such Thing...](https://me.me/i/normal-is-an-illusion-what-is-normal-for-the-spider-7364800)</center>

In the end, the result is that we find ourselves in situations and relationships we are not happy with due to conforming to these norms. A glaringly obvious example of this would be homosexuality, while more socially  acceptable in modern times, historically there are a number of examples in which people have conformed to the 'norm' (or have been forced to by family/religion/etc.) and entered a hetrosexual relationship, got married, bought a house, had children, etc.

By definition of the 'social norm' they have been completely successful... but they are unhappy, miserable even... why? because its not what THEY want, its what their family wants, their friends want, others want, what society wants, what the cultural norm wants.

<center>https://pics.me.me/what-ifitold-you-that-some-people-dont-want-children-mgtlip-com-33773588.png
[What If I Told You...](https://me.me/i/what-ifitold-you-that-some-people-dont-want-children-mgtlip-com-22727141)</center>

Next up on the social pressure and norms list is **'Women having children'**, I know this one hits home for many out there. This concept that EVERY woman wants to have kids is an issue which continues to rear its ugly head. for those that DARE go against the grain and not want kids you can guarantee a bombardment of comments judging the decision made by the individual as to what they want to do with their body, life, etc. 

What these examples show us is that there is a huge pressure to conform to what is deemed 'normal', not just in relationships but in life in general, this is one of the first points we must recognize. 

When it comes to starting relationships we are often seeking in to 'appear normal' while seeking someone who is also 'a normal' person. This charade may seem Innocent enough but it is actually setting us up for a rough time in the long term.

<center>https://pics.me.me/me-trying-to-hide-my-crazy-on-the-first-date-48398964.png
[Hide The Crazy...](https://me.me/i/me-trying-to-hide-my-crazy-on-the-first-date-f21dcd8837dc424e912c66d287a170d4)</center>

If we hide our wants, needs and desires form ANY kind of relationship we have we are only setting ourselves up to feel like something is missing, unfulfilled, etc. but due to a fear of seeming abnormal (among other fears) we present a facade and we begin these kinds of ventures under false pretenses. 

Next we have the concept that if someone tells us something about themselves that does not match our checklist or go with your autonomy, its ok because "I can change them". This happens more often than we may think, many of us dont even notice when we are doing it ourselves. 

Be it a habit like smoking/drinking or if they want children in future, there are many tales to be told about partners forcing their autonomy on to one another even though they 'knew it' when they got together... this also leans on the sunk cost fallacy which we discussed last week. 


On the flip side of this we must also understand that the other person is also dealing with the same issues themselves, they are hiding themselves due to societal norms etc. 

We are chained and weighed down by the societal/ cultural norms, suppressed by conforming to these rules and regulations that prevent our honesty.



<center>https://www.wholeheartedmen.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/what-do-you-want.jpg
[What Do YOU Want](https://www.wholeheartedmen.com/what-do-you-want/)</center>

Here we reach the pivotal point of the conversation, we need to ask ourselves this question "what do you want?", when we have the answer we must not be afraid of it or to express it when we are seeking interactions with people who may have something to do with achieving that outcome. 

Being open and honest about who you are and what you want can be liberating in itself, but it also helps managing the  people around you. As John Lennon once said...

<center>https://geniusquotes.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/Being-Honest-1-1024x628.jpg?w=1400
[Being Honest...](https://aponderingmind.org/2017/09/16/being-honest/)</center>


If we want to find a partner who is on the the same frequency as we are, that has the same wants, needs and desires as we do in a relationship, both must be willing to put themselves out there and lay it on the line. 

Open relationships can be beneficial for those seeking that framework of interaction with a partner, and for those in established relationships such as this, it is an indicator that being honest about what we want works. 

When we dig beyond the surface of open relationships we see that there is no 'one size fits all', there is no 'blanketing' involved. Sometimes one partner has interactions outside the relationship, sometimes both. Sometimes the interaction is opposite sex, same sex... even both.

<center>http://kscequinox.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/1-10.jpg
[Tip of the iceberg](http://kscequinox.com/2018/02/the-many-forms-of-relationships/)</center>

This can also be translated into the areas of what is regarded as sexual fetishes, on the show some of the examples discussed were ASMR, BDSM, Dirty talk. While some of these may be difficult for us to fathom as fun for us to experience, if we think of something which brings us as an individual pleasure and recognize that this sensation is what that person feels, it can bring us some understanding on the matter.

Again,  we must understand that this is not  for everyone, some people will not be 'into' open relationships, fetish sexual activities, etc. but lets imagine for a moment, a world where we could be honest about what we want from one another without the judgment of 'not being normal', without the charade, without the manipulation to be something we dont want to be ? 


The aim is to be in a place where both people are happy in the relationship, this can be achieved in an infinite number of ways, but it all begins with being able to have the conversation in the first place, to leave the social and societal structures that bind us behind. It starts with just being honest, with others... and ourselves.



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Conclusion 

At first glance it can seem to be a difficult task, being open and honest about who we are as individuals, about our wants and desires in life, taking responsibility for our own part in the equation and holding others accountable for their part. 

But once we start doing so we see a great advancement in quality of our own lives, of how we interact with others, of what we do with ourselves and what we expect of ourselves. 

Finding our autonomous and congruent self is the foundation of being happy in our lives, and finding people who exist on the same kind of frequency enhances that experience. 

So no matter who you are and what you are into in relationships, even in life in general, find it and establish your framework for YOUR happiness... Fuck society, the social norms and whatever other constructs are designed to hold us back from being who we want to be... As long as you are being open, honest with those you interact with and not doing any harm to others... do whats best for you and what makes you happy.

<center>https://www.bleepstatic.com/images/news/ransomware/f/fsociety/wallpaper.jpg
[FSociety](https://www.bleepingcomputer.com/news/security/new-fsociety-ransomware-pays-homage-to-mr-robot/)</center>