Work in Progress - it's been too long since I started this one, I really should get on with it by michelle.gent

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· @michelle.gent · (edited)
$13.44
Work in Progress - it's been too long since I started this one, I really should get on with it
**This is an unedited Work In Progress - WiP - which I started, got on really well with and just didn't finish. There are way too many of these in my documents folder.**

*Added by Edit:* I really should have put this in here: [First Part](https://steemit.com/writing/@michelle.gent/diamonds-and-deviants)


She returned home before three am. Mike was still on duty although the other Security Guy had changed.

She smiled at Mike and said goodnight. He didn’t reply, but he did nod to her and she took the stairs up to the top of the building to her apartment.

http://i.imgur.com/GjyIWyq.jpg

When Mike first began working at the building, he found Miss Diamond to be a curiosity to him. When he found out she lived at the top of the building, he wondered why she took the stairs and he even thought that taking the stairs was perhaps all for show. He would keep an eye on the elevators to see if she called for one on a higher level but she never did. He was elated one time when she had gone up the stairs and the elevator was called from the fifteenth floor but it only made him laugh to himself when the elevator descended with the fifteenth-floor resident inside, not Miss Diamond.

He decided at last that she used the stair climbing three or four times a day as a means of keeping fit rather than using a gym. It made perfect sense, he supposed, but for his needs, all-over muscle strength as well as cardio, the gym would suit him just fine.

Mike had gone by the time Miss Diamond descended the stairs again at seven am. She was dressed in a beautifully tailored suit that would have impressed Mike no end. The Security Guy on duty said “good morning” to her. She walked outside, straight into the waiting cab.

“Good morning Eddie,” she said as she settled in.

“Morning miss,” he said and pulled out into the traffic. The sun had not yet broached the high rises to cast its rays onto the street. By the time she arrived at her offices, it was just glinting through gaps between the buildings but the windows were UV reflective and she could work on the north facing side of the building with the excuse that the views over the bay were too stupendous to miss.

Celtica Diamond was deemed a workaholic by her staff and colleagues. She was there before anyone else and frequently stayed after everyone had left. She didn’t need to justify her work ethic but if ever she wanted to, she would simply say that the success of her companies had not happened by mere coincidence.

Celtica kept a healthy distance between her staff and herself. They were encouraged to call her “Miss Diamond” rather than Celtica. It was only when they were raised far enough through the ranks that the privilege of using her first name was bestowed.

http://i.imgur.com/PgavFYu.jpg

So when she heard the words “Hello Celtica,” she looked up in surprise at her visitor. She had been engrossed in the paperwork that was strewn across her desk and although the handsome young man that had walked in unannounced was not unfamiliar to her, she had not been aware of his presence until he had spoken. He had managed to sneak up on her - that was no mean feat even under the circumstances of her full absorption with matters at hand.

He was dressed in a fifteen-thousand-dollar suit and just by wearing it, he made it look like a thirty-thousand-dollar suit. She removed her glasses and looked at him. “How did you get in here, Gideon?” she asked without malice but it was clear that she wasn’t pleased.

“Don’t be angry Celtica, I have an appointment. I’m here on business.”

“What kind of business would we have in common?”

“Oh, you know, just the usual. Hotel security, private investigation,” a pause and then, “Investigations into a murder.” He said the last words with such nonchalance that an eavesdropper probably wouldn’t have taken much notice.

Celtica didn’t flinch, she didn’t react in any way except that her eyes narrowed. “Murder? Whose? And, more importantly, when? I suppose what I meant to ask was: has it been committed yet?”

He smiled at her insinuation. “Yes it’s been committed. It’s been investigated and the perpetrator has been found guilty, convicted and imprisoned.”

“So why do you need me?”

“Because it’s not enough. I want the one that ordered the murder. The one that paid for it to be done. I want the guy that really killed my brother and I want his head on a platter.”

“Ah, in that case, you’re in the wrong place. This company doesn’t know anything about vigilante behaviour, illegal reprisals or revenge attacks. We’re a respectable company.” She said the words to dismiss him but gestured that he take a seat anyway. “I know you’re hurting, Gideon and I could offer as many platitudes as you could swallow. They got the guy that murdered Simeon, he’ll serve his sentence, he’ll do his time, he’ll pay his debt to society but that’s so much crap that I don’t even believe it myself, so why should you?”

Gideon was surprised. He looked at Celtica with obvious suspicion. “So what are you saying?”

http://i.imgur.com/lCgMuVL.jpg

“I’ll help you Gideon. I liked Simeon. In my opinion, they killed the wrong brother.”

Gideon couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He stood up from his seat so fast that he knocked the chair over. It was fortunate that Celtica’s office was ostentatious and spacious, the chair didn’t hit anything except the floor. “What the hell does that mean?” he yelled at her.

Celtica remained calm. She looked up at the furious Gideon and said: “Simply that if they had murdered you first, Simeon would have let it go when the murderer was convicted. And his own subsequent murder would have been seen as nothing more than an unfortunate coincidence, an utter tragedy. Plus it would already have been done. You, on the other hand, haven’t let it go. You are not so confident in the humans’ ability to serve justice, you’ve been proactive in trying to look behind the scenes and you’ve protected yourself. That’s why you’re here in my office and that’s why you’re still alive. That’s also why I’ve been looking into Simeon’s murder.”

She put her hand on the swath of papers in front of her and twisted them around so that Gideon could read the court transcripts.

He didn’t read the papers, he just glanced at them and Celtica twisted them back around to face her again.

“What? I only made the appointment yesterday.”

“Yes, but you were allowed to make an appointment. I don’t take on just any case, you know, especially not cases that involve preterdeviants.”

Gideon picked up the overturned chair and sat down. The wind had been taken from his sails and he slumped in his seat. The fifteen thousand dollar suit now looked like it had cost a lot less than he had paid for it.

Celtica poured him a glass of water and pushed it across her desk towards him. He took a drink of it and muttered “I don’t understand.”

“I know you don’t but so far, I’m impressed that you’re still alive. Now, was this a clan thing? I’m presuming that you have no connections with Simeon’s murderer and it follows that neither did he.”

“Yeah, that’s right. I’d never seen him before the court appearances.”

“I’ll also go so far as to presume that the one that murdered Simeon got such a small percentage of the original bounty that it would have been laughable and insulting to your clan if there were any of your clan left and results weren’t so dire.”

Gideon looked at Celtica and straightened up in his seat. He was grasping the thread of her thoughts and he wasn’t liking what he was hearing.

She continued her explanation. “The original payment most likely went to someone that skimmed a percentage off the top and gave it to another to deal with. The contract on your brother was way too hot for any of the usual assassins to take on. The process of skimming from the top and passing it on went on until it got low enough down the food chain to be worthwhile to some scumbag or other. The scumbag that took it wouldn’t have had any idea who or what Simeon was and as far as he was concerned, the only other one involved in the transaction was the scumbag that sent the money, the directions and the method of killing. If we manage to get to the top of that particular chain, we’ll be very fortunate indeed.”

“Really? There’s no chance of finding him?”

“I didn’t actually say that, did I?”

Gideon looked at Celtica for a moment before dropping his head down towards his hands and grasping it as tight as he could. “Just please tell me what you mean.”

“I thought I had. It’s going to be a very long investigation, I think it may lead back to your own species and it’s going to cost you a lot of money.”

“You’re taking the case?”

“You got an appointment, of course I’m taking the case.”

“Look, you know my position. Before Simeon was murdered, there was only two of us left. Our Clan have all died in mysterious and bizarre circumstances but each death was ruled as explainable in the inquests and inquiries. Simeon put his utmost trust in the humans and their laws. I never did. What would you do in my position, Celtica?”

“If I were you, I’d trust me to do what you’re paying me for. If I was in your position as myself, they’d already be regretting ever even thinking about it.”

Gideon looked into her dark brown eyes and saw what he needed to see. He nodded and offered her his hand.

http://i.imgur.com/w0BNoc3.png

“I thought your species didn’t shake hands on a deal?” Celtica was surprised at his offer of trust.

“No, but your species do and I feel more affinity with you than I have with anyone since I lost Simeon. Send me the bill, I’ll settle it today and if you need more, just send it on.” Gideon turned to go but thought of something and turned back to face Celtica. “Just one thing.”

Celtica remained silent but she raised her eyebrows to indicate that he should continue.

“Why did you seem surprised when I came into your office if you knew I had an appointment?”

“Oh that was just a way of taking your measure, apart from the fact that you actually did surprise me, I really didn‘t hear or sense you but I wanted to see how you’d react. If you had been angry about my PA allowing you in without buzzing me first, even though I instructed her to do exactly as you asked, you’d have got a lot of sympathy, platitudes and the numbers of other private investigators, but you wouldn’t have got me. I wouldn’t have touched this case with a barge pole.”

Gideon nodded that he understood, he realised that he’d passed Celtica’s test and he was relieved that he had. Again, he turned to leave but turned back. “What does that even mean, 'barge pole’?

Celtica shrugged her shoulders and grinned. Gideon left.
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vote details (100)
@davidkingns ·
This is a very tight piece of work for something that has not been edited yet Michelle, I enjoyed it.  I left some comments on fiction-trail with a link to the highlights in a diigo.com version.  I'm adding a link here to the fiction-trail update in case others want to join us there  https://steemit.com/fiction/@baerdric/weekly-update-of-the-fiction-trail
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@michelle.gent ·
Thanks @davidkingns - I appreciate your feedback and expertise :)
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@internutter ·
You have an interesting beginning, going on, I feel. If I had to pick a flaw, I'd say that the explanations are in the wrong place. You're telling us all about Miss Diamond and her Security Guy Mike without going into much of the why, whilst you casually mention multiple species, later on, and not much else about it.

The balance between 'show' and 'tell' is difficult. I know. And I, too, have a folder brimming with unfinished fiction that I'm not sure what to do with.

You've left me with a lot of questions: Are both Celtica and Gideon aliens? Or are they something else? Is there going to be something between her and Mark, since you invested so much time in that "ships that sail in the night" vibe in the beginning? Why on earth did Celtica ask if the murder had been committed? [This is why I wonder if she's not human as well] Is this even happening on Earth, or is it somewhere else that humans have inhabited?

Looking forward to seeing more of you around :D
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@michelle.gent · (edited)
This isn't the beginning. 

[This is the beginning](https://steemit.com/writing/@michelle.gent/diamonds-and-deviants)

Thank you for your feedback. I could kick myself :)
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@internutter ·
Thanks for that link. I can't comment there so I have to comment here. Sorry about that.

The bad news: You could plausibly clip 90% of that preamble and your story would not suffer. It's loads of more telling and very little in the way of 'hook'.

Vampires are hot shit at the moment. Everybody wants to do a vampire book. Which means that _Everybody_ is sending one to agents and publishers with stars in their eyes and hopes in their hearts. You have to therefore work _really_ hard to get any attention from them.

What got Star Trek noticed was that it was not the everyday-at-the-time post-apocalyptic last-man-alive scenario that audiences had seen way too much of. What got Star Wars noticed was that it was more mythical than technobabble. What got Twilight noticed was that their vampires were different.

And so on.

Maybe go subtle. Don't mention vampires until the third or fourth chapter, make your audience think Celtica is a bit racist by the peppered mentions of "his kind" in the narrative. Then flip it on its head and have all the other clues make sense by retrospect.

Did you know that Hollywood is directly responsible for Vamps being vulnerable to silver? The really old lore has it that Vamps can only be harmed by incorruptible things: gold, oak, and faith are big winners there. Bring that back and you will be my favourite person 5ever ;)

I'm assuming that your goal is publishing on the dead tree circuit? I'm still trying to break in, so I can't help you there. I just know that there are vampires all over the place. You can _not_ bore your future publisher.
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@germanlifestyle ·
Interesting post@michelle.gent.good work.thank you.best regards from Germany
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@michelle.gent ·
Thank you :) Best Regards back ;)
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@kiwideb ·
As just a reader, not a fiction writer, here's my take:

I liked the preamble. When published, it could be a foreword or something. The one thing I missed from it was a link into the story. Or maybe it could be in the style of a quote from some expert's book?

I didn't mind that we don't know what species Gideon and Celtica are yet. That just added to the suspense for me. Though I'm picking that neither of them are vamps, you're more subtle than that. So I'm not worried about it being "just another vamp story". ;-)

Though even if it was, I'm hooked now...

BTW, another thing I've meant to say to you for a while. From my response to your black eyed children story, you might gather I don't like horror stories. And that's true. To me, the majority of your stories are not horror. They are interesting stories with well defined characters, and I don't read them to get scared. Just sayin'...
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@michelle.gent ·
You're always so insightful when you comment on my work and I always appreciate the comments. Thank you <3

I really do think I have to get back to this one. The problem was that I had far too much material for it and it went and took a life of its own and got too big for me to handle, so I put it in a box and hoped it would calm down.

It hasn't calmed down so I'm going to have to take it out and rip it apart and pull it into more manageable chunks. That'll larn it ;)
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@kiwideb ·
Either that'll larn it, or it'll larn you. I await the result with interest ;-)
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