Hello Neoxians,

I hope all of you are good and having happy times? 

Me, I am feeling bad. I did not post since quite long time because I have lot of things to reorganize in my life. 

When I feel bad, I always isolating myself. You know; I prefer to don't disturb anyone with my problems cause I know we all have some problems.

But; To tell you the truth...
At these times... I am psychically, physically just done.. Did you once feel like that? How did you recover or in what resources did you get inspired to get you up?

So the story is... End of last year my father enter to a coma in November and he died in January this year. His dead was and is for me a totally emotional chaos and upheaval!

Lately, Yeah... I have to Admit... I wasn't proche of him for sure. In our childhood my brother and me have suffer from violence and have been affected and traumatised from him. So It's just difficult. 

But what's import his acts, faults and errors it remains he will always stay my father even through his death and despite all that is what hurts me the most... And moreover, who am I to judge him? In the truth writtings says: 
> But when they went on with their questions, he got up and said to them, Let him among you who is without sin be the first to send a stone at her...

More time passes and more I realize that it is also through writing that I can best express myself and so I will use it to make it part of my personal "therapy". So I am slowly but gently writing a book.

But just think when you did not seen your father since 3 years and one day your brother came to your home to tell you that he's in coma and he'll die... Wow life is just crazy. But life gave us too lot of chances... 

When he died I felt remorse but I knew why I was not in contact anymore with him and I just remember how was our last encounter.. Very bad. So. I do not have to blame myself for anything. We are each actors in our lives.

But the biggest "regret" that I have in spite of everything is not to have said to him: I love you and despite everything you left me a rich culture, thank you.

Firsts month, I wasn't able to eat. I had lot of stomac pains who sent me to hospital and I with all of that; I lost lot of weight. Is little frustrating because I was in a mood of gain weight before that came.

Two month ago, I was waiting for my tram to go back home and suddenly a young girl came to me and gave me this :
![WhatsApp Image 2019-11-21 at 18.05.12.jpeg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmfWg2sP9C3ZyWJ3WJZRhW1snGcpDoCxjAbc5vqGDqYqBK/WhatsApp%20Image%202019-11-21%20at%2018.05.12.jpeg)

In this heart shaped paper she wrote to me; "You are special and unique!"

Soo cute. That day, I was very very sad and she touched my heart at deep point you cannot imagine how... 

You know I'm at a point of my life who I never been before. I went through difficult things and ways that I thought I had fought the hardest so far but now... I'm at the bottom!

Just Lost.

Am I mental sick ? Maybe yes. I know, I was deeply depressive years before and wanted kill myself last year but hopefully God send an angel and my brother save me. I will not expanding and spreading myself on this subject or doing a post on this because it has been for me very difficult and I still do not accept that I have arrived at that and at this point in my life! 

Like what, we do not know where life will takes you. In what situation you will be enconter. Moreover if you face to a situation that is too much or you do not support and that you give up... But I'm not the kind of depressive or what on the contrary, I am always positive, I love life and always smile with the lips lifting my gapped teeth;) When I normally feel bad, I hear some slow motion music as blues or classic or religious song or I also often run but with my hips problem, I'm just exhausted! :( 

Now this week I will have a hip surgery (done now) and I should stay for 6 days at the hospital. It's again an eprouval hard time but I hope it will end with a good result and especially that I can re-run one day :/ I will post and share my week if I'll not die during the operation with all bad things I had this year! 

I really hope next year will be better for my road of life, I pray to have health, strength, the breath of life, and always the joy of living. You know, I'm not perfect but I love God, life people and truth. Don't think I'm a victim or I act like that no, no, no, never!  No, I am normally a soldier, a wall but sometimes life is... S!
I am just a fighter of life.

It's funny; we say what does not kill us, makes us stronger! I have always experienced this phrase and expression during my life and my trials but when you are at the bottom of the abyss: what is the tone of this expression that sounded so good in your ear until then? Which means, what do these mighty words say of this powerful sentence to this day; To this day, where am I ?!

Oh I hate being and staying like that... Bad. And my state endures. It's difficult really! I am tormented. Either I drop everything or I fight but how do I fight? and with what force? and where to draw that force again? 

Too many questions... Who in my condition. I do not know. I'm just hurt and collapsed... It's horrible! Even to write this post I am only crying.

But where else than #Steem I can really and trully express myself and never been judge. If some don't like your post he came and argue with interessant things or his thinking but never her you will see an negative or hating comment as on most other platforms. 

Don't think even I am feeling bad, that I am no more into Steem. No! I will be till the end here with you all :) For that I took time to think about my feelings and you...

Maybe I'm not conscious yet enough but am I going through one of the biggest trials of my life? I think that makes more sense. We will see... The future will tell and I will make a conclusion and come out stronger in all cases.

Hope I not bother you with my long story feeling but I will took this platform like a personal blog and share all I want with all of this wonderful community :)

Thanks too much.