Nice post @stellabelle,,,,

I am sorry you are in this state, and I have been in it myself.   Not now, but in the past.  I have taken medication, I didn't like it.

Sometimes for me it just seems to pass.  I can't help.  I can only offer empathy.

<blockquote>What should I do? </blockquote>

In all seriousness, you should try this plant* that contains an ingredient called, "fuck it". I've found it very beneficial over the years in times like these. ;)

<sup>I also highly recommend you find someone with a Cali/Colo connection. Don't get some Reggie from kid down the block. There is no better natural cure for the blues. ;)</sup>

My daughter and I go through phases like this. I've gathered a bag full of tricks to help myself until the mind state passes. My heart goes out to you, if we lived closer, I'd come over and clean your house and bring some soup! Mostly, I figure I'll always be like this and have learned to be okay with the feelings and keep on walking.

This really resonates with me.  It tends to happen to me more at this time of year - I think it is a combination of stress, dark days and exhaustion (mental and physical).  I have a light box which does seem to help.  I don't think there is an easy solution though.

X

These dark places are particular to each of us, so none of us can provide you the exit ramp ourselves. Of course we wish you well, but that's also not what you were looking for in conversation, as it's dangerously close to the pity you say you hate receiving (same here). 

My near month away from Steemit was as a result of tumbling into one of these mental spaces. It sucked and felt very lonely, even though I was surrounded by people all day and my partner at home. 

There is no cure for the weather and there is nothing wrong with you. It sucks that your mind goes to this place, but it's also beautiful because it's a part of what makes you Leah. That's little consolation as your try to rub the toy imprint out from your aching foot, but you already knew all this. 

You are light and you are dark. That thought helps me a little when I'm free-wheeling. 

It also sounds like there's some change that you may be desiring consciously or unconsciously. 

Travel well.

Is there a reason you stopped doing the secret writer project?  I remember when you were doing that, it was fairly successful. Maybe having a project like that going would help. It might help with the income part too.

@Stellabelle, you are a brilliant woman with razor sharp wit. Yes you may be tapped out but the depression is something else (as you have clearly stated). I know you'll hate this suggestion but as one who has really struggled actively with depression for most of my life, often barely function, I HIGHLY recommend forcing yourself to get outside and take a walk. It's so simple but is deceptively helpful. Force yourself to do it every day and increase the amount of time each day, it will help, I can promise you this. It may not be the cure-all or even close to it, but it will give you the tiny boost for your own clear thinking and motivation to jump in. Anyway that's my 2 cents.

<p>This post has been ranked within the top 10 most undervalued posts in the second half of Dec 12. We estimate that this post is undervalued by $22.48 as compared to a scenario in which every voter had an equal say.</p> 
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yes, take the meds, or find one better for you if you went off it for incompatibility reasons. i'm not intending to be assumptive about why you arent on it, but i just want to say that theres nothing wrong with needing medication; its not a crutch, it can be a legitimate necessity when the pros outweigh the cons. 

to take care of the mind naturally, with perfect health habits and routine isnt a possibility for those of us who get into dark places.  If it's just getting worse its best to acknowledge its not going to go away soon or easily.

I understand writing these kinds of things can be difficult because you don't want to been seen to be asking for pity,  but actually people who read them can often see a part of themselves in the story, and while they may feel sad for you the far more helpful and positive thing is that they don't feel so isolated about their own troubles...   so thank you for sharing.

I can understand your feeling.  It is hard to get motivated in general but more so if it is gloomy out.  I used to live in Indiana and realized that I was more depressed there than when I have lived in Arizona.  There is so much sun here that even just looking outside can help a little bit.  
I feel that I don't ever get enough done.  I know you feeling of thinking that you are going to have to go out and get a job.  It sucks.  Especially with all the hope that these crypto blogging platforms have brought.  When it didn't continue or materialize like in the case with Synereo it can kind of deflate you.  I'm playing the Steemit game pretty strategic.  Hopefully it will pay off big for us.  You should have a decent chunk in your account to live off for awhile with the new power down structure as long as the price stays above $0.10.   I'm predicting it will get down below $0.05 soon though.  We will see.  Only time will tell.

Breath, @stellabelle.

Take a deep breath, hold it, and release in a long, deep, sigh...now, do it again, and place the majority of your focus on this deep breathing process.  Repeat this again and again for five to ten minutes, as many times a day as seems right.

Seriously, this type of simple breathing meditation has helped me take HUGE strides towards feeling more positive and peaceful.  

I've been near rock bottom.  I know how abusive a severely depressed mind can become.  I've tasted pure apathy.  I've approached contemplating suicide from millions of angles and have experienced tasting the most satisfaction from visualizing myself dying.  I've experienced PURE self-hatred.

I've been there, and I'm now light-years beyond those doldrums, thanks mostly to conscious, deep, breathing exercises that I essentially forced myself, as a last ditch effort, to do, when I was feeling so low.

Chin up Stellabelle.

Tis all part of the up/down cycle us artsy types go through.

This too shall pass.

I'm thinking about you Stella. I'll be thinking about you. I'll help you.

I have one of those worms in my brain also. I don't know what other things you have lost but I am nearly offline and hating this place I am in so much... wanting to just pick up and leave again, it feels like it is killing me.

Powerful writing I can relate with a lot of it.. Recently doing art and trying to help others has helped with my depression.. Though.. It's kind of just a mask. Anyways.. I wish you the best of luck and I hope things get better for you.

Thank you for writing that. I hope it might lessen your pain, if only just an iota ... it is a wonderfully honest piece. 

And yes, plastic toys suck. We have Lego here, shaped into small monsters which hide, camouflaged, on the carpet.