@pierce-the-veil: I too had the blessing of a prolonged expansive period of study, and I also share your pain as to feeling "alien" to this planet.

Although, that feeling may be more accurate than we both may realize.

Really liked this post so I up-voted with my "super awesome minnow power", 

Keep on trucking @stellabelle.

Best of Luck,

@pierce-the-veil

"In life, need to not only try, but also try not to try!"

It's perfect... I love it!

This person need defensively a lot of person development courses , Pessimism is the most dangerous thing that can destroy our life , I feel said for him or her but that will never change any thing if he pr she change thoughts about life and people

Say what? I thought you were Bukowski's female equivalent! 

I think many people have that image of great writers who are chaotic, heavy drinkers and deeply troubled (almost like rockstars). Hemingway is a great example but of course there's a long line of beatniks after him, Bukowski included even if it's not a beatnik per se. 

Some writers may not share the same behaviors but they definitely share the same sensibilities about life and society. So you are most definitely not an alien.

Secret writer, your life, as has evolved up to now, has made you who you are.

If you had a social life like most others, you wouldn't be able to self-develop to the degree that you have.

A day has only 24 hours. And how we spend it is different. You spent it in self-development, and continue to do so. There'll come a time when you'll use the advantage of this self-development that others don't have because they were partying or socializing. It's just the way finite time is. Each one invests somewhere and gets a certain reward. Your rewards will be unique, because you have a divergent path. And that will set you apart in areas that will boggle the mind of others.

It is as it should be. If you were to view yourself from a timeless state you would understand why every single step of your life was necessary to make you what you will become. And in that understanding, you would change nothing.

Dear Secret Writer,
I think your situation might be more common that you think, although the people like you might be farther away somehow. There are many things that I could relate to, namely the isolation and reliance on books. My main struggle is similar to yours, in that most people that live near me are hard to relate to, but opening up, has yielded some good results recently. 
I believe your main struggle right now is separation and the despondent feelings that are associated with that. Lack of connection is doing you harm, and people tend to shy away from others who immediately display negative emotions. That reaction is hard-wired in humans, and animals. 

This is the cycle you seem to be trapped in. You say "I do people no harm, but in the previous sentence you mentioned that you "do not like the people because they judge you". I believe you are carrying this state of "pre-rejection" around inside of you, and this expresses itself when you try to make new friends, on the internet. 

I did some mind deprogramming techniques for a few years that healed me to a certain extent. This is what helped me the most begin the path of reconnecting with humans after I put myself through a long time of isolation: I began to look around me and try to address the needs of other people. This had the effect of me becoming useful to others. This also helped me get rid of my habit of deep introspection and self-hate.

I just had to let go of the fact that I feel isolated and instead, I attempted to focus on the needs of others. By shifting my focus (and the Secret Writer is the reason I'm getting better) away from myself, and towards others, I feel better about myself. I can't be close to tons of people, but I can do something small to help others. This thing is the way I try to connect with people, try to help others in a small way.

My advice is to think about what you like to do then try to think of a small way you can help others with something in life. It might take a while to figure out, but it is worth it, I think.....

winding life

My 5 cents here for the secret writer is just to get a change of scenery. Low wages and high prices are probably an issue in _some_ countries, but not in most. People travel all the time with very little money, making more on the way by working. Even if it's not always the most glamorous work, it doesn't sound like things are likely to get worse... good luck, whatever you decide!

>They say, "in life need one needs to try everything!"
But none of them for some reason, do not try, for example, quantum physics, a healthy lifestyle, or Buddhism.

Perhaps they have decided not to in order to get started?

The feeling of being an alien or an outsider is not uncommon.  I think nearly all people feel it at some point in their lives.  Sometimes it may even be the most unlikely person who feels that way.  It is a natural part of the human experience.

As you describe, with all things there needs to be a balance.  

It would not be healthy to always be with others and have not time for personal development or contemplation.  Similarly it would not be ideal to spend all of your time alone.

As social animals human beings crave the company of others and it is some ways hard-wired into our brains - even if you set aside societal programming.

It seems you spent most of your life looking for somewhere to belong.  It is reassuring to see that you have realised though your spiritual beliefs that it is not necessary to be part of a group to realise one's own value.

On another note, 1984 is one of my favourite books.  

I'm not sure where you live (maybe I missed it in the writing) but I think there is a strong feeling even in the "free" west that many  of our liberties are being lost and that Orwell was very much a seer predicting the modern times we live in.  

That's not to say that a lot of places in the world are not much worse - at least we have a semblance of freedom and certain rights.

I think true freedom does not really exist though.  Some would say that it is an imaginary concept that only exists in philosophy.  

The very fact that we live in communities with other people means that we cannot be totally "free".  We must balance our rights with those of others.

I think some of my more spiritual friends would say that true freedom is achieved as a state of mind and is not something that can be given or taken away.  Perhaps you are on the path to this kind of freedom already and do not even realise it.

In some philosophies and spiritual beliefs we are prisoners of our own desires and wants.  If we can give up on these than we can achieve true liberty and hence enlightenment.  

Giving up on drugs/alcohol is a good sign they are powerful agents in our society and it is hard to avoid them.

Anyway to sum up I would say that you are not an alien.  There are many that feel as you do and think like you do.  Thank you for sharing.

Just a tip to avoid potential trouble:
You might want to check your pictures for copyrights and at least add the original source.

Otherwise, great post! Enjoyed reading and often feel quite the same.

@stellabelle, Sorry to approach you this way - but I'm trying to launch a new content aggregation service called the [Lost Content Digest](https://steemit.com/lostcontent-digest/@biophil/lost-content-digest-issue-1). I'm finding articles by new authors who missed their first payout, but deserve something more. I'm going to be writing articles that feature several of these "missed" articles, and then I'll send the SBD proceeds of *my* article to the authors of the lost articles, hopefully generating them some income and followers.

Is this something you'd be interested in supporting?

👍nice story, keep up ur great writing 
http://i48.tinypic.com/8xssuf.jpg

I like this regardless of wether this is true or fiction - in fact it doesnt matter, i would rather not know, it makes it all more attractive.

I was goinng to write a long comment, until i saw the bottom line

>Maybe relocation to another country could change something in me, but I notice, positive emotions in me less and less and I feel less joy and desire to live.

Well believe me, i have done most of what you have done, and changed cities, countries, states, even names.

I am still me, for some time it might seem to help, but you cant run away from yourself

I feel that you secret-writer would be welcomed by the steemit community. You shouldn't have to suffer alone and be stuck with thoughts that you can't share with anyone. Feel free to make an anonymous account on steemit chat (if you are only allowed one correct me) and feel free to reach out to me if you wish bendjmiller222. 

I know a bit about what it is like to be lonely and not feel you are accepted by this world. You seem to be seeking aomething, but I don't know if you have found it yet. 

I do not feel I have earned the right to share my beliefs with you since you have not asked and I don't believe trying to force someone to listen to your ideals does much except make you turn a deaf ear toward type of belief.

I will say I'm a Christian, but hold no judgement on you for your beliefs whatsoever. I think Christians rightly have a bad reputation due to their frequent hypocrisy and how they often try to point out sins in others when they in turn have glaring flaws of their own.

>New International Version
You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Matthew 7:5

Basically it means until you have worked on yourself, don't point out things wrong with other people.

We don't need to talk religion at all though if you do not wish. I am very non confrontational, but it does seem as if you could use a friend. I can't guarantee that we will share many of the same interests, but I have no desire to ridicule you or make you feel bad about yourself (I have suffered from anxiety and depression myself and would wager a guess that you have too).

I hope you read the comments and whether or not you decide to reach out to anyone, know that there are people who feel like you do and will also show respect to one another.

It would be interesting to know about parental influence or lack of it.  The writer's omission of conversations with trusted adults is a factor, I believe.  He seems like he is wandering in the desert, looking for an oasis but finding only mirages.  I hope he finds what he needs.

I've never subscribed to the "norm" as I realised along time ago that I am the only person who can truly make me happy; with this being the case I have gone through life pleasing myself. Now you may consider this a selfish outlook, but I haven't been selfish I haven't made other people responsible for my happiness and have never expected other people to make me happy; therefore I can not be disappointed if they have let me down, I have been disappointed with myself for expecting more than I am prepared to give?!?! A conundrum really, but it works for me! Thank you for sharing!!

https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-moBOushIpRo/V5jI-Wpd5bI/AAAAAAAAIxs/RXRsWCMMr_8jiyiXvxk8R5N-07FjwwV1ACLcB/s1600/taxidrivergif.gif

What you've described are very typical experience for anyone who is different or goes against the mainstream. Whatever pain, frustration and anger you have will turn into fuel for the world-changing things you'll end up doing.

You know, I think that the people in a society who experience the most discomfort are the ones who have the most to contribute to it.

I understand your situation very well. I feel like an alien most of the time. I've decided to take myself to rural Spain and live a relatively hermited life.

I've realised that I'm not going to find much life satisfaction being part of a mainstream group that I dislike. 

Instead I get most of life satisfaction from books, my ideas, experiences, writing, learning new things and meeting people I find interesting.

One day I might meet a group that I feel comfortable being myself in. But in the meantime Steemit is giving me an audience and voice that I've never really had before.

Do what you need to do to survive, get your own space and heal. And then you'll develop, grow and blossom eventually. That process might be painful but you'll get through it and it will be worth it.

Keep writing - especially under your own name. You're an excellent writer. It's the ideal outlet for your to channel all the intense feelings you have at the moment.

(P.s. Thanks @stellabelle for sharing the hot guy half-way through. )

I say you are where you are supposed to be on journey and all will be revealed in time to your good. All is well, when all is said and done.
dubloon135

Hi @stellabelle, I have featured three of your articles in the new #steemittop10! Check it out here: https://steemit.com/life/@chrisadventures/episode-3-the-official-steemit-top-10-top-10-most-intimidating-erotic-stories-on-steemit-be-intimidated-18-by-chrisadventures

Wow!
I feel very inspired to comment on this post for many reasons. I will attempt to communicate that clearly and concisely here~
Firstly I know there are MANY people out there who feel unheard/unseen and are even scared of being heard or seen because if they were they would be mocked or bullied. 
I can relate to this as when I was a child I was so scared of social situations that the only class I ever failed was speech class. I had a passing grade because I did ALL the homework,  all the tests and even ALL the extra credit. Yet she still failed me because "This is speech class and you can't pass without a speech".
The next year when I had to take it again I tried to do the speech. I got up to the platform and was so dizzy I couldn't stand, my vision was black and I had to hold onto the table to keep from falling. I muttered a few words before forgetting everything. I was literally TERRIFIED of being heard and seen. 
The next thing I would like to mention is that I LOVE your reference to how people say "you have to try everything or everything should be tried once" yet how many people try meditating, or fasting, or living without buying things from a store? People like to promote and preach about what they like and then ridicule or argue what they don't like. I guess this is another good reason to be scared of being "real".
What I have found is that less is actually more. When I gave up the material world and even the social world (friends, family, people), when I started fasting, reading, writing, meditating and truly detoxing the poison of humanity in my veins, I began to get clear,I began to heal. I began to actually find my AUTHENTIC self. What I have actually found is that the part of my self that was scared was not actually my authentic self. It was the judged idea of my self. 
Once I found my true self i was no longer scared of being seen!
I used to try and fit in, I used to not say things that people would tease me about, I used to want to be cool, I used to feel unseen. 
NOW I am empowered and no not everyone likes me. In fact many people don't like me, many people judge me, manipulate me and even try and force me with violence to be who they want me to be. Yet I DONT comply, I don't give in I live TRUE I live FREE and I am not scared to do so. 
In reward for this I have an amazing life and there are thousands of people who DO see me, honor me, love me and respect me. Yet I would have none of this if I didn't spend the years I did in meditation, fasting from the world and finding my self. 
Now I am able to live full on and free, free to be me and it FEELS SO GOOD. 
NO life is not perfect, no not everyone likes me, but MANY people do and they like me for who I am. 
I have found it essential to detox from poisonous people. If there are people who do not respect you then don't interface with them and also don't give credence to their judgment because it is simply poison. 
Thanks for the contributions. Anything like this is valuable as it facilitates "soul searching" of which is of the most value!
Blessings~*~

Hi! Great personal story. I kinda feel like an alien too sometimes when I walk through a supermarket looking at all the people scurrying around.

When it comes to nutrition I think we share views. I don't drink or smoke or do anything stupid. I juice! :) 
https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@deleted/hi-juice-recipe-colloidal-silver-fuck-yeah

And everytime I do that I feel more elevated in regards to other people. It's not like I loathe other people it's just I feel everyone should be doing what I'm doing. I feel....better I guess. But at the same time like a weirdo.

Secret selfish and crazy.  One word moron.  One word lives at the expense of other people and their abuses!  Now all the crazies will be on this site to hang out!

Wow!  Hello Secret Writer, I just joined Steemit so I don't really know much about it--almost nothing actually.  But your name, story, and photos caught my eye and I had to read what you wrote.

Wow!  I've got to read it again.
I hope someday I'll be able to write and post at your level with photos and video clips, etc.

All I can say is I love it!

Thats just the fare you pay for enlightenment. 
These paradigms of your past are void.
Once you "see thru" there is no way of "make it unseen" again.
And when you look around, what are you missing?
Love yourself and the way things are going for you, the freedom from unkind thoughts.
You were picked from the millions of the clueless.
You were born under that star, you decide whether its to your comfort, or a burden. Its a test, every day.
Enjoy it, adjust to it. Mother nature is always by your side to pick you up.