https://www.steemimg.com/images/2016/08/01/japansa22d7.md.jpg

Let me clear one thing right away. My student was 31 years old, so I feel that I didn't do anything wrong.

I must admit, reading through the secret writers has made me reflect on some things I've done that have been hidden away. I think one person asked me what my secrets were, and I decided to write about one.

I was an English teacher in 1998 for a company called Aeon in Japan. I lived in a town called Sasebo, and it was known as the 99 islands. It was a coastal town, very beautiful. 

https://www.steemimg.com/images/2016/08/01/Port_of_Sasebo_viewed_from_Mount_Yumiharid0315.md.jpg

Image Credit: [Wikimedia](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Port_of_Sasebo_viewed_from_Mount_Yumihari.jpg)

Most of my students were adults and comprised the following groups of people: bored housewives, Japanese Self-Defense Force Men, company men, college grads, translators-to-be, Japanese youth wanting to have hobbies. 

# I believed that I was not a great teacher because I was really shy and had stage fright really bad. 

None of my students ever complained, but I was hard on myself and felt like a failure. I was really stressed out and began losing weight, drinking to excess and smoking heavily to combat the stress. Eventually, I lost my hearing and had to be flown back to the USA to recover. My hearing returned after some months of recovery at my parents house.

**The background of what was going on with me while I was a teacher in Japan is the following:**

I had run away from a relationship with a man who had denied me sex for over a year. He was an ex-heroin addict and he was on methadone. His sex drive was non-existent. I was at the time, 28 years old, and in the peak of my sexuality. I ran away from this boyfriend, after telling him that I was not happy that he chose to read books rather than having sex with me. I said it was not fair. He was a dude from the Lazy Boner Ranch, for sure. He also had a dead arm, meaning that it was non-functional. He'd damaged it in motorcycle accident. I think a friend of mine had originally set us up dating. I have terrible times picking out men, as I suffered from shyness, and low self-esteem at the time. He was a nice boyfriend, cooked me great meals and did romantic things for me all the time, but he could not give me sex. 

So, when I arrived in Japan as an English teacher, I was sexually repressed. I was beyond horny, and into the territory of sex-starved mania land.

Fast forward to my English classes:

![school23787.jpg](https://www.steemimg.com/images/2016/08/01/school23787.jpg)

## There was one man I had started to notice. 

He was a nice guy, Japanese, of course, and had a medium build. He was in the Japanese Self-Defense Forces and I think he was a lieutenant. He often came to class wearing his uniform and extremely white shiny shoes. I am not normally attracted to uniforms, and I consider myself to be more interested in artistic, slightly wild guys. So, it was not the uniform that I was interested in. However, the white shoes sort of got me aroused for reasons not even clear to me to this day.

![80-1205eca0.jpg](https://www.steemimg.com/images/2016/08/01/80-1205eca0.jpg)
Image [credit](http://www.marlowwhite.com/80-120)

# Clearly, my sexual repression was getting the best of me.

Over time, he and I became drinking buddies. I became friends with a lot of my students, and it was our habit to go to the izakayas and bars after our lessons were over. Kato, the man with the white shoes could drink a lot. So could I. We laughed together at raunchy jokes and always had a good time together with all the other students as well. We were about the same age and he had told me that he didn't have a steady girlfriend.

During his class, it became increasingly difficult for me to focus on teaching and to pay attention to the other students. My energies were all focused on Kato and I kept playing out various sexual fantasies in my mind. After weeks of this, I felt that I might go insane. It was also becoming really hard for me to pretend that I didn't want him.

There was one situation that I still remember like it happened yesterday. Kato had signed up for a private lesson, and he wanted me to listen to a speech he had written in English. We went to a private room, just him and I and he began reading the speech in front of me, as I sat down in front of him.

# I couldn't focus on anything he was saying. In fact, my face had turned bright red, and the thoughts of seducing him right then and there began pressing on my mind in an intense way.

As I continued to watch him, with no words going into me, I was sure he could sense what was going on inside of me, but he didn't. I made no clear moves, and I didn't want to jeopardize my job and I would not want anything to happen to him either. But the fantasy was clearly going on inside of me. As he finished his speech, I collected myself, somewhat and felt disappointed that he had not picked up my seduction cues. He left the room. Nothing happened. No progress was made towards getting him inside me.

Flash forward to a week later:

My students and I went out for drinks after a class. Kato was there. We all had fun drinking and at the end of the night, Kato, myself and another girl started walking home in a direction. At one point, the other girl had indicated something about Kato, like he lived near her, and that they would be leaving to go home at that point. 

# I shot the girl a look instantly, and said, "Kato will be going home with me tonight." 

I really didn't even give him a chance to think about what just happened. I had made my mind up about the situation, and I realized that if I didn't seduce him soon, I might lose my mind or my job or both.

He followed me without much thought and when we got to my apartment, I offered him some food. I cannot remember what we talked about. I think we drank more beer, too. My apartment looked a lot like this:

![japanrcb5ef.jpg](https://www.steemimg.com/images/2016/08/01/japanrcb5ef.jpg)

Now, this part is fuzzy. I don't remember how it happened, but suddenly, Kato's shirt is off and I was basically in a near coma, staring at his chest, the same chest I had been fantasizing about for like a month solid. Like a moth to the flame, I began to touch his chest, arms and forearms. I bet he thought I was nuts. But it had been so long since I had had touched a sexual man, a normal one, with proper hormones and with a healthy mind.

He had the most beautiful body. Hairless and very chiseled. He had to run and work out a lot in the Defense Forces. Perfectly smooth, like most Japanese men. I was aroused beyond my wildest dreams, for the moment had finally come into my reality, where I have him in my arms, without clothes, and I don't have to be his teacher anymore, either. I don't have to pretend to be in control of my emotions.

The taboo nature of the situation was really orgasmic. Here was my student, and here I was, his teacher, about to fuck his brains out. He was about to wipe away the years of sexual repression that had built up within me.

## We had really mind-blowing sex. 

![sesssaebf9.jpg](https://www.steemimg.com/images/2016/08/01/sesssaebf9.jpg)

I realize that it might have been better for me, because I was the one who had built up a sex fantasy of him, and I never found out how he felt about me. This is the part of me that is really sad, actually. The intimacy part of relationships scare me so much that I generally begin rejecting myself before anyone has a chance to reject me. I started this pattern when I was 15. And it never had anything to do with my looks or intelligence. I have carried around a feeling of absolute and total worthlessness after my first love dumped me in a horrible way. I never recovered, actually. I believe this is the reason that I have become addicted to sex fantasies and fantasies in general. It's the mind's way of making up for all the missed opportunities of love.

# The next day in class with him was super awkward. 

Part of the lesson plan was to ask each student what they had for dinner the night before. When it came to Kato's turn, I looked down, blushed, and tried not to give away the fact that I knew exactly what he had eaten for dinner...ME.

![sex27f4e.jpg](https://www.steemimg.com/images/2016/08/01/sex27f4e.jpg)

We saw each other a few other times and had sex, but it wasn't the same. The reality of him began to interfere with the fantasy I had built up and I think he and I were much better friends than anything else.

Fantasies are like that. They often exist only in one imagination, not two.

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