My entry to "What does today (March 9, 2021) mean to me? 3.38 by wakeupkitty.pal

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· @wakeupkitty.pal ·
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My entry to "What does today (March 9, 2021) mean to me? 3.38
It's March 9, 2021. It's my firstborn's birthday. I can't say that it was the best day of my life. A new episode of my life started and at that moment I wouldn't know where it would end. I never planned a future for me and it wasn't planned to have a child alone at a young age. I decided to go for it and told myself in some way I would manage and make it. I would make it on my own despite my young age, despite the fact I was alone, with no supportive family to help me out. 
My dad started a new life and he didn't want anyone in his life to know he had his life, had a wife and children. He wanted to be young again, make a new start and his new start meant he preferred me to be his sister or his wife (both would make him look so much younger). Unfortunately, I have a hard time if it comes to lying so as I was asked if I was his sister I said "no, I am his daughter".
My dad dumped me with his sister. He didn't like to be seen as a granddad neither as a dad. From the moment on the left I was no longer allowed to call him dad. 

It was my aunt who assisted me as I gave birth so she was the first one who saw my firstborn. I was the third. Somehow that feels odd the mother isn't the first one but somewhere at the end of the row. Born at home my child went to hospital later on that day. Her temperature was low and I wasn't surprised about that. A low body temp runs into the family and I doubt anyone can get or stay warm if he's undressed every hour to be checked. Till today my child has a low blood pressure and low temperature. High is if it hits the 36 Ā°C if 37Ā°C we call it fever.

I wasn't able to visit my child in the hospital on a daily base. The city hospital wasn't nearby, I had no transport and that was it. No visitors either. The only person I called was my mother in law. Her respond "Will it die?" She sounded optimistic but her dearest wish didn't come true. She never saw the child but my father did in the hospital and was kind of delighted it had at least dark curly hair. Well, that hair was gone within a few weeks and never came back. An infusion in the head caused a bold spot and as hair finally grew back it grew horizontally. Blond, straight hair by the way. 

Thanks to my child I became my apartment. One with a balcony and three bedrooms and two big hallways. It was a good place to be just the village and some neighbours made life harder. I say harder because I was studying, working, fighting for an income, lived in an apartment that was hardly furniture, without phone (the internet didn't exist at that time) and I had no car. The only thing I remember was I always felt exhausted, not tired but exhausted and 'enjoying the time with a baby' wasn't part of it. I did my best in every way I could think of. I saved cents for those few celebration days, paid off a washing machine, did without a fridge and luxury while living from a very small amount a week. 

![girl1357485__480.webp](https://files.steempeak.com/file/steempeak/wakeupkitty.pal/O1T65Sok-girl-1357485__480.webp)
[source](pixabay.com)

It wasn't a healthy life, it was a lonely life, it was a hard life but in a way, I managed. I managed to set goals and achieved them. School, study, vacations abroad, driver's license, a car was in it and an amount of savings as an own household was started. It all feels so long ago. Most of it I forgotten just the tiredness, being abandoned and lost of hair because I couldn't eat properly myself remained clearly in my mind. 

Today I feel as if I am back where I once started. All the hard work, investments, sacrifices brought me nothing. It makes me wonder what I did with all those years, why I worked so hard to end up with empty hands and never had time to really enjoy my baby. 

![](https://d1vof77qrk4l5q.cloudfront.net/img/0e45e1a3805fb9292283caff79af13dfc0fc66ac.jpg)

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@mllg · (edited)
(Translate with google translator from Spanish)
Dear friend, I am sorry that your memories are not beautiful. Life brings experiences that can cover beautiful moments. The birth of your child is a beautiful event, despite all the adverse events that surrounded it.
I understand that you are feeling frustrated right now, but to some extent we are all frustrated with Covid-19, because this separated us all from our plans and our common lives.
Cheer up, better times have to come and enjoy today as much as you can, because we can only act on our present.
I send you a hug in the distance
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