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By parents, against children by honeydue

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· @honeydue ·
$3.11
By parents, against children
![You need me.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmYw1PWyxGBzd3jg7yHZuYyrUhwJDyJEs39CUN6TYcnHGN/You%20need%20me.jpg)

I guess you know by now that I listen to a lot of music and that it sometimes inspires me to write something on here. Well, I was listening to this one song and one of the lyrics went something like this:
 <center>https://cdn.steemitimages.com/400x0/https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmUScNJSMXBLyHum3oCogqKZGsvSJ2WzobgnVmsQej3iQ8/border.png 
 You'll never succeed once I'm no longer here
https://cdn.steemitimages.com/400x0/https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmUScNJSMXBLyHum3oCogqKZGsvSJ2WzobgnVmsQej3iQ8/border.png </center>
<br>


The song is one of those commentaries on human society that seem so popular now, you know? Really, it's a cool song and it's also a protest about how mean we are to kids basically, how we constantly put them down (the song is basically a continuation of all the negative shit parents say to their kids, very relatable for most people). And while all the parts in the song are sad and destructive especially for a young child, ruining his self-esteem, this one struck me as particularly...sad. Strange? Interesting? All of them, really. 
Because it's something you hear parents say to their children, though most of them don't say it out loud, they don't phrase it quite like that. And yet, it's the sentence that's practically the basis for most of the verbal (and sometimes physical) abuse by parents against children. Not all, there are some twisted fuckers out there and there are some other justifications behind such crimes, but this is a large reason, I realize.

It is in our nature as human beings to require some sort of validation, to prove to ourselves as well as others that we matter, that we are doing something right in the world. And while parents do have a lot of responsibilities when it comes to their children, they're also basically helpless. Here's this little person that you created and who so needs you, particularly at the beginning of its life, and then you realize that this child is bigger than you. That while you do owe him some things, those things are limited and that at some point, what he does in life and the human being he becomes is not up to you. 
And I imagine it's frustrating because this creature you've sacrificed so much for will at some point fly on its own. It shouldn't be, but it is, because otherwise how do you explain all the parents crippling their children's ability of standing on their own two legs?

Many parents seem to make it their life's mission to root themselves into their child's life as indispensable. 

*You need me* (he does, but not as much as you'd like to think). 

And so, they say bad things, some even beat their children, as awful that is. But let's not underestimate the psychological damage that a parent is capable of, shall we?
*You know nothing, who are you to teach me, you can't do that, don't interrupt.* 
https://youtu.be/nBd_Qu69lMM
*<center><sub>The song is in Romanian, but the video speaks volumes [The Mono Jacks - 1000 de DA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBd_Qu69lMM)</sub></center>*
A lot of parents insist upon schoolwork and for some, no matter how much the child works and what accomplishments he or she has, it's not enough. For some parents, it's never enough and they force their children to work ever harder to please them. So what if you're the top physicist in our country? You could be the top physicist in the whole world, why aren't you? 
Does this mentality seem familiar? Well, I'd say most parents have it, to some extent, so no surprises there.

And the fear that is at the root of that mentality, of that need to cripple the adult your child will become, is really fear of not mattering. What if he does make it? When you're no longer here...all on his own? It's a terrifying prospect, because it makes you, the parent, feel helpless and useless. If he can make it without you, then what good are you? A child is a magnificent thing, but it's also a great emotional crutch. We have a need in us to be important, to matter to someone, for someone to depend on us even and a child meets all that. A child depends on you and you alone and why give that up? Because that's what a parent should do, he should educate the child and push him on his own two legs, so that when the time comes that the parent is no longer able to help him, the kid will be just fine. But many parents don't do that because they thrive from the child's need for them. As long as you matter to someone, as long as someone still needs you, you're not dead, you know? 
And of course, a child will always love and need his parent, but not in the same way. As the child grows, the need for the parents changes, takes a different form, because it wouldn't be natural to expect your parents to validate you and to be pleased with your life forever. 

Your parents won't be the reason you make it. I'm sorry, but they won't. You will, no matter what your parents tell you. 
They try to make themselves indispensable to you because if not even their child doesn't need them, then what's the point? But it's not fair. And the truly depressing part is that it's up to you alone to understand that. 
Some are lucky to have parents who push them to stand by themselves, to be strong. Some have parents who understand this thinking and stop it, keep it in check, so as to let the child grow. But many don't. As is in our nature, many indulge in this selfishness (debilitating though it will prove to be). And then, in that case, I can't help you, your friends can't help you, no one can. It's up to you and you alone to break away, to understand that you will make it. Or that you can, at least, make it on your own, even when your Mum and Dad are gone. 

<center>
## Thank you for reading,
![photojoiner_photo(16).jpeg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmYbuu6L9G2cTzP5LTJF2yUkuH7fVmNZhhxRQQCXnN5Q1X/photojoiner_photo(16).jpeg)
</center>
👍  , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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@tts ·
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[![](https://s18.postimg.org/51o0kpijd/play200x46.png)](http://ec2-52-72-169-104.compute-1.amazonaws.com/honeydue__by-parents-against-children.mp3)
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@redrica ·
$0.02
That was one good music video and song, and I have to say the band really reminded me of Foo Fighters! 

Now on to the parenting, I'm a parent so this was all very sad (although interesting) to read. Reminds me how lucky I am to be surrounded by so many parent friends, who are conscious of the things you wrote above. I forget that the world has plenty of parents as you described, even my own, and lots of my friends' parents were kind of like this, and so many of us were raised feeling unimportant and oppressed.

Having been a parent now for almost 7/8 years, I can see how hard it can be to break the cycle from the oppression of your own parents, and how easy it can be for some to be that parent themselves. But what I do know is something's changed with our generation, I can't speak for everyone, but I know for myself and so many of my closest parent friends, we choose to parent *the way we wish we were parented*. So I chose to learn from my parents, what *not* to do, and do things very differently. 

Is it easy? Fuck no.. I myself, had to deal with a ton of my own issues in the process, just to be a good parent to my kids, making lots of mistakes along the way, but learning and growing from them, together as a family. Parenting taught me SO MUCH about myself, some very tough truths, but also some very very empowering ones. Having so many parent friends around me who share these values, makes me optimistic about how a lot of our generation of free thinkers are choosing to be, as people and as parents. A lot are choosing to break the cycle, I know I have. So I hope that gives you some comfort too :)
👍  
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@honeydue ·
$0.02
I'm sure it is as you say and that a lot of parents are not like this (thankfully), I was thinking of the ones who are. I imagine it's really very hard to be a parent, but also very rewarding and enjoyable. I'm glad you're taking "the good road" because that builds a better generation for tomorrow!

thank you so much for your comment :)
👍  
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@redrica ·
Hehe yea, I couldn't help but chime in. As much as I dislike parents like that, I can't help but relate as well, I used to have a lot of anger towards this type of oppression, but only love and understanding is what can truly help people see the effects of their actions. "Hurt people hurt people" right?

Anyway, hope to bump into you at SF3, would love to have a good conversation with you :)
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@honeydue ·
Well, hurt people have the chance to grow and be the bigger person, but few do it :) 

Yeah, hope to see you too! It'd be great :D
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@deirdyweirdy ·
$0.02
I think Philip Larkin put it rather eloquently:
'They fuck you up, your mum and dad.   
    They may not mean to, but they do.   
They fill you with the faults they had
    And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
    By fools in old-style hats and coats,   
Who half the time were soppy-stern
    And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
    It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
    And don’t have any kids yourself.'

My parents told us at an early age that we were 'accidents' warning us not to expect anything from them and to learn quick smart to stand on our own two feet.
👍  ,
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@leighleigh ·
$0.02
This is so sad! I'm a grandmother now, and although our lives (mine, my son's, his girlfriend's, their baby)                     are far from perfect, we experience a lot of joy and good times. Granted, there are lots of fuck ups, but that's the nature of being human! No child should be labelled an 'accident' ... that is just so wrong. Here you are, contributing on an international community platform .... Philip Larkin was a cynical soul I think, and although I sometimes think it's better to remain single and child free, life puts people in your path who change your outlook along the way. Be open to receive!
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@honeydue ·
Indeed, very well put. Each time I read this, it strikes me anew... :/

 I hate the idea of accident, I mean even if it happened  like that, well, it's your fucking fault as the parent, isn't it? So what business do you have telling a child that... A lot of screwed-up people who can't take responsability for themselves, it seems.
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@leighleigh ·
$0.02
"Seven things every child needs to hear: I love you, I'm proud of you, I'm sorry, I forgive you, I'm listening, This is your responsibility, You have what it takes." Josh Shipp
👍  
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@honeydue ·
And how very few parents say that to their kids...I don't know, maybe the world is changing as @redrica says, perhaps parents will become better as they go and more open. But at the same time, as @deirdyweirdy points out, our own parents put their own many faults in us and their fears and all that crap...and we tend to turn to what we know and that's the only parenting we've known, so...I don't really know.
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vote your-acct "honeydue" "re-leighleigh-re-honeydue-by-parents-against-children-20181020t144157835z" 100 true
post_comment your-acct "re-honeydue-re-leighleigh-re-honeydue-by-parents-against-children-20181119t074710576z" "honeydue" "re-leighleigh-re-honeydue-by-parents-against-children-20181020t144157835z" "" "your reply.." "{}" true

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@alignment ·
$0.02
I have noticed that perents who in the first place have a fulfilling lives don’t resort to making themselves indispensable to their children.

When parents are satisfied with their own lives,  reached self-actualization, are emotionally independent they wouldn’t have the need to make up for themselves from their children lives.

Some parents hold their children responsible for their not having a fulfilling life as a consequence of the sacrifices they made to raise them. So they believe they should be their first priority.

That is why they should start with fixing their own lives in order to stop being emotionally dependent on their  children.
👍  
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vote your-acct "alignment" "re-honeydue-by-parents-against-children-20181020t134438024z" 100 true
post_comment your-acct "re-alignment-re-honeydue-by-parents-against-children-20181119t074710578z" "alignment" "re-honeydue-by-parents-against-children-20181020t134438024z" "" "your reply.." "{}" true

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@honeydue ·
I think they should be careful to have their own lives fixed before even having a child. I've seen what resentment does to a parent (though thankfully not my own) and it can be really bad to a child. I agree, most satisfied parents will turn out self-sufficient, happy children. But the trouble is, in our day and age, it's so hard to be content with your job, your partner, who you are in the world (if you do manage to find that out...), so naturally, it's seemingly hard to take good care of your kids too.
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vote your-acct "honeydue" "re-alignment-re-honeydue-by-parents-against-children-20181020t144411795z" 100 true
post_comment your-acct "re-honeydue-re-alignment-re-honeydue-by-parents-against-children-20181119t074710580z" "honeydue" "re-alignment-re-honeydue-by-parents-against-children-20181020t144411795z" "" "your reply.." "{}" true