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Notes On SHAME: Trapped In A Toxic, Substitute Life by barge

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· @barge · (edited)
$13.43
Notes On SHAME: Trapped In A Toxic, Substitute Life
Earlier this year my sister (@tigerrkg) sent me a talk by Tara Brach entitled ["Radical Self Acceptance"](https://www.audible.co.uk/pd/Radical-Self-Acceptance-Audiobook/B004F2LIZA?qid=1557920227&sr=1-1&ref=a_search_c3_lProduct_1_1&pf_rd_p=c6e316b8-14da-418d-8f91-b3cad83c5183&pf_rd_r=71G4N9HHJFQ2BPKRG59T) (Audible link - sorry couldn't find a free version but the 'sample' on Audible covers some of this post's content). Total listening time was a little over three hours and I absorbed it over 3-4 sessions in as many days. At one point I was took some notes. This post is based on those notes. 

# The topic is '**SHAME**'.

![cover.jpg](https://files.steempeak.com/file/steempeak/barge/cWPaFlOg-cover.jpg)

## The Feeling of *Shame*:
- something is *basically or fundamentally* **WRONG** with me
- a sense of *deficiency*, of lacking something - of being **NOT OK**
- Shame = the *self-aversion* that comes when my 'NOT OK-ness' is exposed (to the world or to myself)

> ##### "Shame or Self-Aversion is the most pervasive type of contemporary suffering"<br><br>"Paying attention to "Shame/Self-Aversion is a necessary gateway to awakening"
(Tara Brach)

## Etymology/Root of *Shame*:
- to *cover* or hide deficiency, even from myself
- subtle - concealed under anxieties, anger and other feelings of discomfort and dis-ease.

Fear of being exposed. Being exposed as defective is intolerable, therefore strategies are developed. We are *conditioned* to play out these strategies from a young age. *Psychologically* this can appear as a 'life or death' issue of survival.

![shame.jpg](https://files.steempeak.com/file/steempeak/barge/b0iArPbt-shame.jpg)

## Three strategies for 'dealing with' *Shame*:
1. ##### Avoiding shameful feelings ('Flight')
   - suppressing, repressing, denying, numbing ie *getting away from the source(s) of dis-Ease*
   - addiction (to something that numbs)
   - depression:
     - 'depress' the acuteness of feelings
     - immersed in 'depressive thoughts' *around* the feelings being avoided/covered/hidden
     - sense of deficiency: "I'm not good enough"
     - gap between who I *think I am* and who I *think I ought to be*
   - denial (pretending to be OK; to admit is weakness/defeat).

2. ##### Pushing away *Shame* and *Shameful Feelings*
   - these are intolerable, therefore impetus to attack or defend from anything and anyone that triggers them (internal or external)
   - judging (self and others)
   - pushing away or attacking the triggers (especially those one is 'close' to, ie feels 'comfortable' enough with to 'act out')

3. ##### Conforming & Pleasing
   - constantly trying to meet (impossible) internal and external 'standards'
   - the sense that *something is WRONG and needs to be different* (non-acceptance of present)
   - trying to improve, be 'better' - notion of 'hard-work' to *make up* for not being OK
   - constantly trying to become what/who I am not
   - afraid to take risks; afraid to fail; afraid to be hurt or to make oneself vulnerable

Each of these strategies adds to a sense of deficiency, thus adding further layers of *toxic* Shame and accentuating the experience of being trapped in a substitute life. 

*Suffering comes from those parts of the psyche that are ignored and not *felt*; the parts which are calling out for attention.*

## Breaking the cycle of *Shame*
- What is true NOW?
- What is asking for Attention?
- What is asking for Acceptance?

Observe what comes up - *Mindfulness*
Hold what is observed unconditionally - *Love*

The *deep* NEED is to be *Seen* **and** to be *Accepted* (both parts required); to feel *Understood* **and** to feel *Loved* (both parts required). These are unmet needs and yearnings from childhood. Most parents were/are unable to meet these needs of children as their own were never met. Without the **Experience** of this 'fulfillment' the cycles/patterns get passed on unconsciously.

*We (YOU) **can** understand (Y)ourselves and meet (Y)our own needs, thereby breaking these cycle(s) of Shame*.

![quote.jpg](https://files.steempeak.com/file/steempeak/barge/4THWi8y2-quote.jpg)

## Resources: 
- [Spiritual reparenting](https://www.tarabrach.com/spiritual-reparenting/) - talk by Tara Brach
- [Tara Brach's website](https://www.tarabrach.com/) - where there are many excellent talks and meditations to be found.

![page divider namaste orange.png](https://files.steempeak.com/file/steempeak/barge/qQsca13e-page20divider20namaste20orange.png)

A second audiobook I would like to share is *Wherever You Go There You Are*, by [Jon Kabat-Zinn](https://www.mindful.org/jon-kabat-zinn-defining-mindfulness/). This is almost exactly as long as *Radical Self Acceptance* and I find the two to be compatible and complementary. 

An effective way to understand and release *Shame* is through Mindfulness/Meditation. If you have wondered about these concepts or feel you have not had much 'success' at it, it is possible that JKZ will cut through that sense of inadequacy with this sharply intuitive and intelligent, gentle and extremely powerful layout in simple, compassionate, inspirational and no-bullshit lingo.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Ap_-F9D5Gw

![page divider namaste orange.png](https://files.steempeak.com/file/steempeak/barge/qQsca13e-page20divider20namaste20orange.png)
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@helpiecake ·
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Hello! 

This post has been manually curated, resteemed
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Much love to you from all of us at @helpie!
Keep up the great work! 

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@barge ·
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@steem-ua ·
#### Hi @barge!

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Your **UA** account score is currently 3.235 which ranks you at **#8060** across all Steem accounts.
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@frankbacon ·
$0.05
Highly rEsteem3d!

SHAMEless self promotion my friend ; )

![Screen Shot 2019-05-19 at 1.01.32 PM.png](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmTyK64hKUgM3umUASxqH7okCdizLxpCqGnnqFFEn4rgws/Screen%20Shot%202019-05-19%20at%201.01.32%20PM.png)
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@barge ·
$0.02
Ha ha, thanks Frank.....some of the other candidates for the hidden faces of 'shame-no-more' &#128262; &#128262; &#128262; 
![shameless.jpg](https://files.steempeak.com/file/steempeak/barge/L8NmyBSX-shameless.jpg)
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@ocdb ·
re-barge-notes-on-shame-trapped-in-a-toxic-substitute-life-20190521t114216445z
You got a 12.55% upvote from @ocdb courtesy of @barge! :)

@ocdb is a non-profit bidbot for whitelisted Steemians, current max bid is 20 SBD and the equivalent amount in STEEM.
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@tigerrkg ·
$0.05
I love these questions:
What is true NOW?
What is asking for Attention?
What is asking for Acceptance?

They just completely bring me into the essence of the moment. Really clearly written bhai and amazing acronym! S..H...A..ME
👍  
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@barge ·
# &#128077; &#128079; 🤗

Thanks for introducing me to Tara Brach behn. Nice you like the acronym, there were various options that developed over the course of writing the post but I liked this one best.
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