When you find me quiet in a corner thats when I am dating myself.In life, I learned you need time to talk to yourself as much as you need to communicate to others.So on a daily basis,I set few hours to really evaluate my
thoughts,wrestle with them if necessary.
Fear is innate in every living things I suppose.Hens brood over their young ones while other fishes or insects could camouflouge at the hint of danger.Humans made laws to minimize occurence of events that will result to chaos .
So had you ever find yourself asking this:what is it you fear most in this life?Here is my list and I kept adding it up in hopes that by getting in touch with them I would be able to deal with them better with God's grace.
A. Growing old alone
B. Dying young with a painful and expensive.
disease
C. Being financially broke
D. Being unhappy with my life
Losing someone would be something we would get used to in this life.Hence,its important we value the time we have with them.And yes,we had to be comfortable with ourselves as our lifetime companion .
In this life I had someregrets and one of which is not havings kids of my own.I know parenthood isnt easy but there would always be a void in my heart for kids I never get to bear.It pains me to see neglected streetkids as a result.Yet,I figured had it been Gods plan for me to have them it would have been easy as there are many single moms these days.Technology also comes up with terms like surrogate mom yet here I am childess at 40 for reasons I dont want kids out of wedlock and the idea of getting laid just to be pregnant never really strike me.The danger of HIV and the heartache Id cause them had they been fatherless is just too much for me to carry.
While people fall in and out love fast I find myself single to the point I find myself questioning whats wrong with me if gays and lesbians ,divorcee,differentially abled ,widower, etc get to find true love.Hopeless romantic as I am ,it feels like lady luck just turned ita back on me while it beamed a smile on everyone else.Yeah ,others say Im lucky to be of without marital woes but honestly sometimes I think its unfair I dont find a soulmate while others have them easy.
Yet to drive away the blues of self pity I reasoned i just refuse to settle for a love I deserve.So here comes the role of my God. In him I find a lover who takes me as I am.So no I will never grow old alone.I will just have to be content not having a hand to hold when Im sick or lonely.Id just have to be happy with friends and family HE showered me .Period.
I was born asthmatic and before I hit 40 I had kidney surgery and myocardial ischemia.I am grateful I had medical insurances before they struck me.Before,I used to envy people who care not for their health but are fit just the same.But now,knowing I am on shorter lifespan than most makes me brave to face my fears and chase after my dreams irregardless of the consequences.I guess when you dealt with death like I had youd never waste a minute more listening to fears that fettered you before.
I resolved to take a proactive role with my health.To not sweat on small things that would not mean anymore to me in the future.I decided I wont let my health condition hamper me from enjoying what life has to offer.To not procastrinate as if life owes me tomorrows.I decided to give love as much as I can and to notice everything around me like a newborn.To find a new experience to write about.
In my country ,its common to keep beautiful plates and bedsheets for visitors or to save a beautiful dress or a sexy shoes for a special ocassion. In my case,because life can leave me at any moment I decided to don my clothes and style my hair as I want and avoid people who doesnt bring out the best in me.I decides to not seek the approval of anyone so as not to be sick with not coming up to their expectations of me.
In my country, financial education was never thought in all homes.I learned the difficult way the necessity of saving for the hard days.Because economics are unpredicatble despite all the regulations I committed to being happy with less and to upgrade myself to be indispensible in terms of career skills.I also resolved to prioritize my expenses as well as how I spend my time.I value my time in terms how it made me feel at the end of the day as valuing them ib terms of revenue was pointless as not all rich people are happy.
This brings me to my final fear.Happiness has always been a very subjective term.I found out that searching for it would proove infutile as always good things comes to end as the wise says.Material wealth,fame,power and even beauty were said to make most happy but we all knew its rubbish.Also to seek it in others will be foolish.Because humans as we are despite our best intentions we would make another soul unhappy.So for my end,I take happiness whatever its form on a daily basis.Its the possibility of its daily occurence that sweep me off a bad hair day.
So to end,let not your fear cripple you .Instead embrace and befriend it.Fear can bring out solutions that change the world.
Till next post,
ayn