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I chewed a piece of toast and eyed up the good lady's bahookie as she bent over and slammed something meaty into the oven. I tried to focus on tonight's upcoming *detectivity* and not on slamming my own meat into something *oven'y.*

The good lady straightened up. 

*Oooh my back. Don't suppose you fancy giving it a little rub do you?*

I whinnied and pranced about as if a rattlesnake had come into my stable. 

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*Not likely lass. Unless of course. You mean with my penis?*

She sighed in a world-weary way and looked upward.

For a minute it looked like she was saying something like *give me strength.* Ha! Obviously, she was uttering a silent prayer to the gods to give her the strength to refuse me. 

I jumped in to save her any embarrassment at me having to decline her pawing at my bangstick.

![kgzmfob_20180925130114439.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmeqVGH42ukwTwaPoLPKTDnXj8CVhreKNs6B2932L9BN1q/kgzmfob_20180925130114439.jpg)

*I'm afraid it's a no-can-do on the penis rubbing lassie. I have to work on my latest case tonight.*

*Tonight?*

She gave me the hard eye as if I was bathing a small dog gently in a bowl. 

*But it's your turn to do bedtimes with the kids?*

She stated flatly. 

I *chuffled* a small laugh. 

*That's a big four on the non-donson baby. I am gonna bust open a nest of vampires tonight. Now I need two things. That fucking hummus you made the other day and the stick I unblocked the toilet with.*

![kgzmfob_20180925130611509.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmZsnumoQaJmVXA1JhFdPUTeyrmC5hsYfwf9UDuW7HKT8x/kgzmfob_20180925130611509.jpg)

She swore under her breath about something being a *fucking cocksucker.* I grabbed the toilet-unblocking-shit-stick and a tub of her hummus before hastening to reassure her as I headed for the door. 

*Don't worry my little turkey twizzler, I won't let any of those undead mofos get sucky sucky anywhere 'Old Veiny.'*

With that, I let myself out and headed off to the house of Cal Davvers. It was time to expose the undead scum for the Vampire King he truly was.

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I stepped up to the door of the *Davvers* residence. It was a grand old house set back from the street in a quiet, well-to-do area of town.

Quickly fingering the last of the good lady's hummus into my mouth, I discarded the tub in a bush and rung the bell.

The door yawned open like a wet mouth, the hall inside dark with only some dank red light showing the way. 

I stepped in, gingerly patting the *shit-stick* which I had sharpened into a stake and stuck in my back pocket.

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*Hello? Anyone there?*

Nothing. Only silence greeted me. 

I proceeded in with care. I could hear some noise at the end of the hall. Strange muted howls and thumps echoed toward me as I advanced on what must be the inner sanctum.

As I reached the door at the end of the hall the front door creaked closed behind me.

I jumped slightly, my happy sacks retreating up, walnut-like into my body.

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This was it. My course was set. I gritted my teeth and with a mighty heave, set my hand on the door before me and pushed. 

Smoke billowed out of the door as it *skreaked* open. 

I took a deep breath and leapt in.

A horrifying wolf-headed beast reared up out of the murk before me.

*Graaaargh!*

I barged the wolf-thing with my shoulder and whipped my *shit-stick* out. Ready to plunge it into its dark beating heart.

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The thing bayed like a mad dog and grabbed my arm attempting to wrestle the stick from me.

We struggled back and forth. The noises around us, I identified now as a horrible music-like dirge.

The wolf-thing opened its mouth and howled gleefully. I recognised muffled words in its yowling.

*Let it go... Let it go!!!*

I grabbed the *shit-stick* tighter. *No fucking chance Muttley.*

As we wrestled, other creatures gathered round clawing at me. Fanged faces leering out of the dim light.

*Let it go... LET IT GO!*

I twisted the point of the *shit-stick* at the beasts chest and readied to plunge it down.

A cold fingered hand clasped my neck tightly.

*LET IT GO!*

I snarled and wrenched round to face the thing that had grabbed my neck. 

It was Davvers, his face contorted in rage, long blood-stained fangs jutting from his gaping mouth.

*LET IT GO!*

He roared and thrust me forward into the room of monsters. 

More hands grabbed at me and I sunk down.

Down into the dark...

*It's this the end of our intrepid hero? Find out in the exciting conclusion next week!*

https://youtu.be/vkal2bNKZe4