Some Scars Live Off the Body by shawnamawna

life · @shawnamawna · Dec 27 '17

$16.41

Some Scars Live Off the Body

When I was under the knife, receiving the incisions that would cause considerable scarring, I was receiving new scars. My daughter was just two years old, and Mommy was unavailable so she turned to Daddy. Always Daddy. 

Even now, three years later, she prefers him. Trusts him over me to be there, to care for her, to love her more or better than I will. 

<center>![people-2557486_640.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmcFZeBnkPb5McU6fzF7u8Nfg44ikYXKnZ4Tu7VjoHR6Kw/people-2557486_640.jpg)</center>

I try not to take it personally, but it hurts. Wounds were excised but so was our bond. I reach for her and she often does not reach back. "I want Daddy," she says, tears streaming down her face. I want to stay, connect, reforge the path now blocked by thick tissue, but when Daddy arrives she is content and my presence feels intrusive 

Like my physical scars, this could not have been avoided. Just as she found her legs and her voice, I disappeared. My body broke down and reassembly was necessary. Recovery took months. We were each climbing our own mountains, working parallel, but not side-by-side. 

I remember crying for her after my first surgery. She was three months old and I woke from anesthesia to my own voice calling her name. Her body was held close to me. I felt her heartbeat, her sweet warmth and slipped back out of consciousness. 

*image from pixabay.com*

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👍 roelandp, zahnspange, pkattera, knozaki2015, pharesim, romedog, wackou, fabio, b0y2k, anyx, shawnamawna, derrick829, bue, aizensou, nat5an, poet, kushed, joseph, minnowsupport, buzzbeergeek, abigailsamuelson, steemychicken1, thebluepanda, sammosk, drwillwho, yoshiko, hagie, sumayyahsaidso, sirwinchester, msp-lovebot, rachelhanson10, sherlockcupid, platinum-blue, bigdaddy, razvanelulmarin, raymondspeaks, i-gordan, adventureevryday, kinakomochi, professorbromide, teneiced, sunshinetraveler, toyman, stoner19, timbernana, dannystravels, spg, biancajapan, thisisbenbrick, stitchybitch, einsteinpotsdam, jerryblanceton, freefuture, strangerarray, coinbar, lastminuteman, dark.horse, kingsmind, anejosua, steemprentice, stone1, stephen.king989, allesgruen, impatientoptim, and 26 others

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@rachelhanson10 · Dec 27 '17

This is achingly beautiful.

There are times when my girls also prefer their Daddy. I consider Nathan's dad and remind myself what a feat it is that he has the capacity to be the prefered parent.

👍 impatientoptim

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@shawnamawna · Dec 27 '17

<3 Thank you. It is beautiful that our Nathan's can be the best as fathers.

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@rachelhanson10 · Dec 27 '17

It really is <3

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@sumayyahsaidso · Dec 27 '17

I was always a Daddy's girl in my youth, but now, as an adult, I prefer my mom, simply because she understands what I deal with as a wife and mother myself. Or maybe I understand her more now.  <3

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@shawnamawna · Dec 27 '17

I understand my parents much better now. I longed to be favored by my father. I am close with neither now. We'll see if that changes. Where I am feels safe.

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@sumayyahsaidso · Dec 27 '17

<3

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@drwillwho · Dec 29 '17

$0.50

These are some of the most sorrowful words.   I can't imagine the hurt.   One one side it is wonderful to have a father in her life who she loves, especially in a world with what seems as a rapidly decreasing number of good dads.   On the other, even as a father who loves that his kids, as they grow up, still involve me in their lives, invite me to go with them and their friends to movies, etc...   I can see the reality that losing some of that essential bonding can be devastating.   I will never be a good mom to my kids.  There are obviously times when one parent must take on multiple hats because of necessity, but I would never believe that I can do "mom" as well as the kids' mom.   To have circumstances necessitated out of pain, create new scars during the healing of old ones is so sad.   We've parented out of the belief that there are many key moments during a child's early development that affect the long term.   Initial moments with mom after birth, that sadly can be denied due to medical issues etc...   Time spent snuggling and reading during the first few years in particular, and so on.   I feel the pain in your reflection on how one set of wounds has cascaded into a new one.    I'm so glad dad has got your back in this.

👍 shawnamawna, rachelhanson10

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@shawnamawna · Dec 30 '17

$0.17

❤️ I’m glad he does too. I’m grateful she often comes to me now when she visits us in the night. She has a way of wrapping herself in my arms that makes it near impossoble for me to sleep but fills my heart with a replenishing peace. This, too, is borne of necessity. I love cuddling at night but my partner prefers not to be touched because he overheats. 😊

👍 drwillwho

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@drwillwho · Dec 30 '17

I'm told I'm a heat rock in bed so I'm just waiting for the decision to embrace the old school separate bedrooms concept.  Guess it sounds like two "hot" guys got great partners😅

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1 reply