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As a child and well into my teenage years I had a great fear of getting robbed by thieves in my house. This fear of mine reached an all-time high when the worst came to reality: I witnessed thieves trying to rob valuables in my parents cars. Some thieves steal money and material possessions. Other types of thieves aim to steal the kind of thing you can never get back once stolen: your sense of self. By forcing their way into your soul, they rip apart your identity. They rob you of your dignity. They break into a home no one should ever give themselves the right to break into. 

Healing from trauma is the work of a lifetime. Reclaiming one’s healthy sense of power is a difficult step to attain and to maintain. When you’ve been made to feel like you’re worth nothing, your mind dissociates with anything that may contradict that new norm. It doesn’t matter what you think on a conscious level. The subconscious will have its way anytime. Intimacy after trauma is like navigating frozen waters all the while trying to maintain normal body temperature. 

In the absence of shelter to ensure protection, you dive right into the ice. It’s not that you necessarily wanted to make your soul bleed once more, it’s rather that your broken compass only knows how to guide you straight to the depths of hell. Promiscuity lands you a hand, the hand that will hold you down once more. And so you finally choose to seek refuge into the safest waters. The ones that are motionless.


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