Agony Girl! -Comedy Open Mic round 7 -Part 1 by diebitch

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Agony Girl! -Comedy Open Mic round 7 -Part 1 by diebitch

funny · @diebitch · Apr 2 '18 (edited)

$13.99

Agony Girl! -Comedy Open Mic round 7 -Part 1

![Red and Yellow Comics Superhero Invitation (1).png](https://steemitimages.com/DQmcp8aMNT16N7Dneyd2BSmUfBYe1g5rNB6e9NGwcRPZpws/Red%20and%20Yellow%20Comics%20Superhero%20Invitation%20(1).png)





Are you in Agony?
forgot your alimony?
nose always runny?
weather not sunny?
This can't be funny
for long...

Don't worry!

The world's most marvelous superhero from DC is here!

# AGONY GIRL! 

She is here to kick ass
help you pass class
file your taxes
grind your axes
and rhyme
sometime(s)

**So, everyone, tell me your problems. I'll pick the best questions. I promise I won't give serious answers.**
Sample Question:
My girlfriend doesn't let me hangout with my friends without an application. I need written permission from her, 48 hours in advance. Even my wife doesn't control me this much. What do I do?

Post the question as a comment here or send it to me privately on discord, I'll maintain anonymity.

**I'll give the answers in a separate post.**

Also, check out this amazing contest if someone ever laughed at a joke you told. [Comedy Open Mic](https://steemit.com/comedyopenmic/@comedyopenmic/comedy-open-mic-round-7)

👍 trafalgar, neoxian, steemwizards, lordvader, nonameslefttouse, punchline, dj123, soundwavesphoton, brahma, helpie, comedyopenmic, take5, diebitch, carlgnash, meno, nobyeni, calypso, clayboyn, anikekirsten, buttcoins, idikuci, llfarms, steemmatt, amberyooper, negativer, beerbloke, steemship, acolucky, yesaye, bitfiend, joshua-golbuu, crimsonclad, jayna, staceyjean, torico, profanereviews, cygon, trevorpetrie, phedizzle, amirtheawesome1, jedi-won, paintingangels, spunkpuppet, caleblailmusik, nostone-unturned, zipporah, holybranches, belemo, art-mess, musicvoter, redrica, melavie, soulturtle, hz432creations, pechichemena, slacktmusic, putradeva, avesa, seveaux, hanna.venus, bennettitalia, cinelonga, gamsam, kernelillo, and 22 others

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@yesaye · Apr 2 '18

Why is Agony Girl here to make my problems worse?

👍 diebitch

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@diebitch · Apr 2 '18

muhahaha

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@llfarms · Apr 2 '18 (edited)

$0.03

I have a problem...you see I have the hen and I have this rooster, they seem to like each other. The problem is the hens sister gets a bit jealous and is always interferring.  I won't even go into the issues with the other rooster...how do I fix this?

Sincerely,

Desperate in the hills

👍 diebitch, paintingangels, normok

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@diebitch · Apr 2 '18

Agony girl is pondering this extremely serious issue

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@meno · Apr 2 '18

I'll give you a super hard question...

Can someone be their own grandfather, meaning can a man be his own grandfather too?

I know the answer btw... 

:)

👍 diebitch, paintingangels, yesaye

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@diebitch · Apr 2 '18

That's a very personal question. Agony girl needs coffee.

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@yesaye · Apr 2 '18

Depends, do you have enough weed?

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@hispeedimagins · Apr 3 '18

$0.02

There was a movie in which a man was his own father. nice movie though.

👍 diebitch

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@paintingangels · Apr 2 '18 (edited)

$0.05

I went into my kitchen this morning and found that my husband had washed all of my underwear in the dishwasher.  This has only happened once before and I kind of ignored it at that time because I didn't want to hurt his feelings or make him angry with me.   How do I tell him that I'm unhappy with this behavior and that the heat cycle in a dishwasher does not actually dry articles of clothing?

When he gets angry with me he makes me wear HIS underwear, which is uncomfortable because he's like 4 times my size.    I'm pretty sure this is emotional abuse.  

Please help.  I need so much of it.

👍 pechichemena, jayna, diebitch, torico, yesaye

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@yesaye · Apr 2 '18

Just be glad he's 4 times your size.

👍 paintingangels

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@diebitch · Apr 2 '18

Agony aunt will do her thong and save your marriage

👍 paintingangels

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@torico · Apr 2 '18

$0.13

dear agony aunt. i am my own worst enemy, but im really bad at being awful. what is the best way to get revenge on myself without being caught?

👍 carlgnash, meno, diebitch, paintingangels, nobyeni

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@anikekirsten · Apr 2 '18

Whoa. This is the question that precedes the question for the answer of life, the universe, and everything.

👍 meno, torico

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@diebitch · Apr 2 '18

Agony aunt will come up with something soon after banging her head against the wall

👍 nobyeni

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@yesaye · Apr 2 '18

Another question: When did Agony Girl become Agony Aunt?

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1 reply

@nobyeni · Apr 2 '18 (edited)

Dear agony aunt,
I want to have a lot of money but I don't like to work. Please help.
Thank you.

[I would like to remain anonymous.]

👍 diebitch

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@diebitch · Apr 2 '18

I maintain anonymity. The answer is very easy and will surprise you.

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@nobyeni · Apr 2 '18

Good. So I will call my boss and resign.
*Remembers she doesn't have a boss... as she is a freelancer. Oh no, what to do now?*

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1 reply

@pechichemena · Apr 2 '18

$0.02

Agony girl , a friend of mine has asked me to take care of his dog.. but I can't seem to be able to deal with it's alcohol issues... I know my friend is in denial because when I talk to him about this he just changes theme in the conversation.. I still have to take care of this puppy for another month , it's getting very hard as his drinking problems make him kind of aggressive and recently I've had some complaints from the neighbors.. I don't know what to do.. please help me... (here's a pic from yesterday)
![](https://steemitimages.com/DQmcq4CiqDGCPfBieAN9QQ22aA5XsQEG8yzwdnbv7BfZchq/image.png)

Thank you , I'm desperate here.

Pechiche

👍 diebitch, paintingangels, torico

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@diebitch · Apr 2 '18

A very common problem, Agony aunt will soon give a simple answer.

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@anikekirsten · Apr 2 '18

Dear Agony Girl,

What am I? Am I? How do you know? You said questions, right, so multiple aren't rejected? How will I really know they are rejected? Why is blue blue and not red?

👍 diebitch, nobyeni

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@diebitch · Apr 2 '18

$0.02

42 but I'll elaborate the answer in my next post

👍 anikekirsten, nobyeni

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@anikekirsten · Apr 2 '18

Ha! I look forward to it.

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2 replies

@amirtheawesome1 · Apr 2 '18 (edited)

Okay, so three days I was at a party in Basra (North of Iraq) where not 2, not 3 women but 1 wanted to hook up with me. With me so far? so she then brought her other 2 friends and said that they wanted to have foursome with the hottest guy in the room. So we ended having foursome for-some long hours I think they 4 in sum. My question, why do people call me a liar?

👍 diebitch, yesaye

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@diebitch · Apr 2 '18

Agony Aunt needs to hit the math books for this one

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@yesaye · Apr 2 '18

Did you force some roofie into their drinks?

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@nobyeni · Apr 2 '18

I'm confused. Which one of those initial not 2, not 3 but 1 women called you a liar?

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@amirtheawesome1 · Apr 2 '18

Neither, they all had good time. it's people I told this story to.

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@ayushthedreamer · Apr 2 '18

Cause you weren't the ' hottest guy in the room.' Remember I was there too ;)

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@negativer · Apr 2 '18

$0.20

Dear Agony Person,
What do I do when I screwed everything up so badly and I'm terribly embarrassed about it, but I'm also kind of proud at the completeness of my failure and I want everyone to know how great of a job I did in doing it all so thoroughly wrong?
Sincerely, Anonymous

👍 morodiene, pechichemena, jayna, diebitch, kubbyelizabeth, nobyeni

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properties (23)vote details (6)

@pechichemena · Apr 2 '18

![](https://steemitimages.com/DQmbf7azrG7rLrxwobjNmPkZFmh3ztedBMJcZQxGE8J5zhg/image.png)

👍 torico

properties (23)vote details (1)

@diebitch · Apr 3 '18

Agony Girl has written a thesis on this

properties (22)

@nobyeni · Apr 2 '18

Question.
If you get a @comedyopenmic prize for this post, will you share it with the people asking you questions, because they are the ones making this post so much fun, after all?
~ An Anonymous Admirer

properties (22)

@nobyeni · Apr 2 '18

I prefer not getting a simple answer to this question, thank you.

properties (22)

@nostone-unturned · Apr 3 '18

You answered your on question, Noby. With a simple answer no less!

properties (22)

@trafalgar · Apr 2 '18

$3.43

i regret ever finding out about crypto

👍 trafalgar, kartiksingh, penghuren

properties (23)vote details (3)

@diebitch · Apr 3 '18

Me too

properties (22)

@therosepatch · Apr 2 '18

Agony girl, why is a cough a cough, and a sneeze a sneeze? Why can't a cough be a sneeze or a sneeze be a cough?

properties (22)

@diebitch · Apr 3 '18

A very scientific question

properties (22)

@holybranches · Apr 2 '18

Dear Agony aunt, your nephew Agony is tormenting me to bits via coinmarketcap. tell him to stop. thank you

properties (22)

@artsygoddess · Apr 2 '18

Dear Agony Aunt do you like cracks? have you ever found anything in cracks? Do you like feeling cracks?

properties (22)

@diebitch · Apr 3 '18

Cracks, let me open the huge text book we have on that

properties (22)

@belemo · Apr 2 '18

Dear Agony, my girlfriend and me have been having issues of late, she spends late nights with her husband and refuses to pick up my calls in the evening. She recently got a restraining order preventing me from being 100ft of her because I snuck into her house to steal her underwear. Please how do I fix this relationship issue?

properties (22)

@diebitch · Apr 3 '18

Relationships are hard

properties (22)

@ayushthedreamer · Apr 2 '18

Dear Agony Aunt,
I just entrapped some of the rats in my rattrap a week back , 2 days back I got up midnight and saw a revolutionary leader emerging out of them


![rats.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmS4CfMqvRRMU6ZLn6sWq7QxJsumFqaFDZo6ifJ2zqbooG/rats.jpg)I am in a dilemma   If I free them they might rule and take over us the humans , If I kill them their rebellions might make life hell for me , if I keep them entrapped  they may find a way to revolution

properties (22)

@diebitch · Apr 3 '18

Ah Simple answer

properties (22)

@buttcoins · Apr 3 '18

Dear Agony,

Why is love wrought?  why must blowjobs and sex be paired with incessant talk of feelings.

properties (22)

@diebitch · Apr 3 '18

really good question

properties (22)

@bitfiend · Apr 3 '18

When someone tells me I did something, but I can't remember doing it, does that mean it didn't happen?  Do they now need picture proof?

properties (22)

@diebitch · Apr 3 '18

Did you ask me a question?

properties (22)

@dj123 · Apr 3 '18

I regret not being born a beautiful half Indian bitch, can you make me feel better?

👍 diebitch

properties (23)vote details (1)

@diebitch · Apr 4 '18

No

properties (22)

@dj123 · Apr 4 '18

Why not?

properties (22)

@soundwavesphoton · Apr 3 '18

I have a question in the form of a meme.

https://kek.gg/i/6DPQQs.jpg

👍 diebitch

properties (23)vote details (1)

@diebitch · Apr 4 '18

I'll ask him the answer.

properties (22)

@nostone-unturned · Apr 3 '18

$0.14

Dear antagonizer girl,

I have a very agony-inducing problem. There is so much agony I am angst-filled more than a teenager at mall closing time. Do teenagers still go to the mall? I thought they all hung out in the Amazon now. Much better way to get a tan imo. 

My cat is full of agony. Fully! So much so he drinks out of the toilet. He so angsty we can't even use the toilet anymore. The whole family is pooping in the shower! 

![DQma9VJktLQo4qtSLrV3nyA7oNQumwTSeVvKdVRtjUJswhH_1680x8400.jpeg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmdwtvrADob8dpXSi7wPjK32LTNxAFVEGew39iQzKddccv/DQma9VJktLQo4qtSLrV3nyA7oNQumwTSeVvKdVRtjUJswhH_1680x8400.jpeg)

My question is: how can you flush the shower?

👍 thing-2, diebitch

properties (23)vote details (2)

@diebitch · Apr 4 '18

I'll work out the mechanics

properties (22)

@carlgnash · Apr 4 '18

Dear Mademoiselle Agony;
I have a friend.  For lack of a better imagination let's call him... "Carl".   What should I do about this?!?  I am really hoping to resolve this situation before SMTs are released.  That does give us roughly the next quarter century so start your stopwatch.  Thanks in advance!

👍 diebitch

properties (23)vote details (1)

@diebitch · Apr 4 '18

Um your situation is Carl or little Carl?

properties (22)

@carlgnash · Apr 4 '18

Yes, exactly.

properties (22)

@carlgnash · Apr 4 '18 (edited)

Lest my cunning deceit has pulled the wool over Frau Agony's eyes, my "friend Carl" is really me.  I am Carl!  What should I do about this?!?

properties (22)

2 replies

@caleblailmusik · Apr 5 '18

I tried to take a photo, but then their house alarm went off and the cops showed up, so all I got away with was a lock of hair.
Any help would be great Agony Girl,
-Caleb

properties (22)

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