I’ve questioned this often throughout my life but always known the presence of God even though feeling he is distant or far. It can be quite a paradox. 

There’s a great book by David Bowden, who you should look into if you’ve not heard of him. It’s called “when God isn’t there” it’s a great read and reminds of Gods closeness even though we feel afar. 

Here’s the link if you would like to check it out: https://amzn.to/3CrLSpJ