This is not completely mind blowing :) Why should it? Are you on the search for mind blows? 

It sounds like there's an evil demon living inside you, and you have to fight him all the time. As if your mind were an opponent. To be taken to the curb. As if you had failed if you had not gained this control. 

A lot can go wrong if you keep yourself under suspicious observation. Attention as a kind of judge who, like an egocentric, always assumes that nothing should happen to you that offends or unsettles you. Where everything revolves around you and your inability to feel comfortable and relaxed, or in other words, where it's all about achieving a result where you have succeeded. Between the one extreme - I failed, I let myself be carried away by my negative impulses - and the other extreme - I float on clouds, I feel great - there is a constant pendulum movement. 

To confuse this fearful self-observation with a form of spirituality is what we humans like to do. But in the long run this is much too exhausting. In a moment still eagerly striving with self-awareness, on whose foot a judgement is immediately made, can lead to exhaustion and a shit-no-action attitude. 

Today cheering high in the sky and tomorrow saddened to death. 

I say this because I know this state. 

If you succeed in not categorizing your daily experiences in the world according to "I like" or "I don't like", whether it is with yourself or others, or with nature, you have made a leap. 

Have you planned for a day not to lie? I don't mean big lies, but small, seemingly unimportant ones. It is a learning experience if you only survive one single day to refrain from such small lies. How quickly you say, "I don't have time", but in reality you don't feel like it, is obvious, isn't it? 

I find that extraordinarily difficult. 

An anecdote that I once heard was:

Two men sat on a mountaintop and looked from there into the world. Then one said to the other: "Look at the majesty of the mountains, the beauty of the clouds, the wonderfully green earth at our feet! Isn't that amazing?!" But the other replied: "Yes, it is so. I just wish you hadn't said anything."