1) _"I made a face as if a man had just spunked on the toilet seat I wanted to sit on."_ Hmm, I think that's the first time I've seen you say _I made a face as if:_ for what actually happened. Although I suppose this would fit right in to your usual array of (fictional) faces. See? _" a face worthy of a cat eating prunes"_ right by the end.
2) _"Who shakes the pork tambourine in the toilet gym early in the morning?"_ I think that should be _gym toilet,_ not _toilet gym_. Might want to fix that. Also: _"Something slightly smeggy"_ Might want to change that to _smelly_. Stupid autocorrect.
3) Apparently I am once again the only one to notice something important: Why exactly do _**you**_ have baby wait to shave off? Someone's been having fun at the reader's expense. (For a second I thought you were continuing the "writing from someone else's perspective thing," this time from the good lady's.)
4) I commiserate. I really do. But I'm not paying the fees for the psychologist to get over it.