I sometimes try to see things the other way. I agree, people self-medicate. I would agree not actively trying to die, but actively punishing yourself maybe?

My brother is going through the same thing. Heavy heavy drinking and has completely pulled back. It is unfortunate. I tend to wonder how much of the behavior (drinking to this point) is a way of not dealing with the problems.

I have never been a drinker.... I just don't care for it. I have still often sought things to escape in my life. Gambling was a huge one for me. Didn't matter how much I won, I wasn't leaving until the money I couldn't afford to lose, was lost.  It was my way of punishing myself, because I hated myself. It gave me a real ***right here, right now*** problem that needed dealing with and kept the focus off of healing.

Healing for me meant a pretty severe depression without the actions to distract from it. It involved a realization that forgiveness, for me had to mean not so much actually being cool with the parties forgiven, but releasing myself from the effect it had on me. 

It wasn't easy, it's still not. I have loved your work and your soul. I don't know what more to say.... but I understand to a degree what you are dealing with. 

In a way that has nothing to do with a religion or organization.... you are in my prayers and thoughts.

Sorry.... My last post got heated in comments and I was called to defend some stuff....  I don't know what to say, but I do know how to listen. If you ever just need ears instead of eyeballs... Hit me up in chat for details

I think what some people are trying to say is that they're afraid for you, lauralemons. You're dealing with a lot of issues/bad experiences/conditions and based on the pic you posted, things aren't going very well.  I know that with clinical depression or anxiety, it's not as simple as saying you want a better, safer life for yourself and then working toward that goal.  The fact is often we can't control things in our lives when we're ill ~ physically or emotionally.  I'm saying this out of admiration for you and a lot of the things you've written here. You need  the strength and guts you've shown in the past, to actively accept that you need professional help. Then you need to go get it.  If you don't, this could end very badly, and none of us want to see that happen.  Good luck. Don't give up. You are an amazing person and can have a more peaceful yet exciting life if you get the help you need.  Hugs.

4 dollars and 31 cents

what about self respect? That is good you don't care what I think. I wish you would care more about yourself. I hope things get better for you.

Laura, you say Im " wishy-washy with his comments"
back and forth, well let me tell you something
a lot of the people that comment here are just saying the same thing I've telling you for months,
just in a more polite way, so as to have some plausible deniability.
Me on the other hand, give you my unfiltered, raw opinion,
which is the way you like it, right? Which is the way you are, right? Raw, unfiltered.
Why can you be raw and unfiltered but not me?
Think about it babe, think about it fam.

I know you care, 
go fool somebody else
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xm4tes8iazo
Oh and
FUCK YOU

Is your face hurting ??
I dont give a shit
We both know why that happened

Good night FAM

FUCK YOU

THERE IS NO FUTURE FOR YOU

Bash You Skull Against A Wall

Or have somebody beat you up, i dont give a shit about you

F-U-C-K-----YOU

I suggest you stand down babe, or Im gonna FUINISH YOU UP

STUPID MOTHERFUCKING BRAINLESS BITCH

Wishiwashy?
ok
now Im gonna be clear
IM gonna fuck you up

and you will have no recourse

You are your mothers child:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eVPSOjsY2Q