How I struggled with my difference, I am queer.
I am seventeen, almost 18 I look on my past with comprehension and love even though I have the feeling that something wasn’t happening right. 
As far as I can remember, I’ve  always wanted to be a boy.
In the playground I never was a princess, I always took the role of the adventurer or the pirate. I used to wear my brother’s clothes and play football. I remember, one day my mom had left me alone with a hairdresser because she had to do some groceries. When she came back, my hair were really short but let me give you the picture, I was a ginger+tomboy+with Sponge bob’s teeth.  Yeah. Not proud of that style choice. 
But you know what was the most beautiful thing in all of this? It is that, I was so young that I didn’t notice my difference.

I thought I was just a more or  less girl who wanted to be a boy but I never realized it was such a big deal to the others. I felt better changing with the boys and doing things with them, I had crushes on girls and so on. But one day my school called my parents to talk about my situation, it was a small school so I guess they had nothing better to do than that. My parents decided to “fix” me, throwing up all my boy clothes, telling me that I had to stop wanting to be a boy and start to be a girl. 

The next day I was wearing a skirt. It might seem insignificant to you but for a little girl who thought she was just a boy in a girl’s body it was hell. Yes, other kids used to have fun at me because I was a tomboy but I didn’t care. But that day, they were laughing because I was wearing a fucking ugly skirt. I had fought so hard to fit in as an almost boy and now I was just a clown.

After understanding that everybody (my parents and the school) would be better and happier if I acted like I was expected to, I just fixed myself in a certain way.

Acting like the other girls, I slowly became indifferent, unmoved. I think it is because when you feel being forced to fake something you don’t believe in; you just stop caring.
I lived for a while in this unhealthy lie, I was telling everybody and  myself.

Then the beautiful adolescence came. Watching movies, series and so on, I noticed I wasn’t checking out all of the 6 packs models, I liked better girls. But I remembered how ended up the last time I tried to be at ease with myself. So I started watching South of Nowhere in secret in my room, multifemslash erasing my history of course. 

Now I came out to my brother and friends, not yet to my parents. I still got time.