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*A vampire? Are you pulling my leg?*

The man behind the desk of the quaint little country Inn quailed before my wrath. 

*No milord. We will have to close down. The area has been plagued by a vampire for weeks now. None of the Inns around here are taking any guests!*

I looked at my good friend Dobson Dobberson, who had accompanied me on a little sojourn to the countryside. He was a fine fellow despite having a face like a cat's arse eating churros.

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He was rubbing the side of his head in puzzlement. 

*Well Dobson, you are the bloody scientist around here. What say you, Vampires?* 

*Well, there is a school of thought that says the legend of the Vampire, that is, the creature of the night who...*

*Fuck sake Dobson, shush. You are boring the living tits off me. Yay or nay? Is there such a thing?*

*I don't think Science should ever say no.*

Dobson sulked.

I turned to the innkeeper. 

*Right, give us your best room and make it quick or I will get this man here to wank you off.*

Dobson reeled back.

*Boomy! You bloody will not!*

He turned to the Innkeeper.

*I can damn well assure you, my good man, you are in as much danger of getting a wank from me as your pet crow over there on the windowsill is.*

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The Innkeeper whipped his head round, the Crow was gone. He moaned dramatically. 

*Oh my goodness me, it's his familiar! He has seen you! Quick sirs, leave whilst it is still light! I beseech you! Save yourselves!*

I walked past him to the small bar area. 

*Not fucking likely old fellow. We are out of booze.*

![sevenpipes.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmUeTDQG8Vh8cixwwrDYDEweE2jzjVWAsV6cV6ct8Mqr4J/sevenpipes.jpg)

I and Dobson settled into a pair of comfy chairs in the bar with several bottles of Balvenie which the Innkeeper said were on the house. 

As we finished the dregs of the last one I pulled myself a little a little unsteadily to my feet. 

*RIght Dobbers, time to hit the hay. It has been a long day.*

*Dobbers* looked up blearily. 

*I guess so. I say, should we sleep together in case there is a Vampire? I mean, not biblically of course...*

He looked at me with a strange gleaming in his eyes as if he were a gerbil, freshly shaved for the insertion.

*Bugger that Dobbers, you snore like a horse. Lock your door. You will be fine.* 

We made our way along to the rooms, they were just a short walk from the bar on the ground floor. 

I prepared for sleep by taking off my shoes and lighting a pipe. In mere moments I was asleep.

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*You shouldn't smoke and sleep you know.*

Intoned a cultured and deeply old sounding voice. 

I snapped awake and waved my now extinguished pipe around. 

*What's that, who said that?* 

There, in the gloom, perched on the arm of the chair next to the bed was a man in a splendid black morning suit. He waved a hand back and forth with a regal air.

*I mean, it could be quite bad for your __health.__*

He expelled a rich, baritone chuckle as if being tickled by a Welshman.

*Oh, you must be that pesky Vampire fellow? Be a chap and fuck off and let me sleep, won't you?* 

The Vampire flowed upright like ink spilling in reverse and loomed over the bed. His mouth stretched opened to reveal a nightmare of blackened gums and long razor sharp fangs.

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*I don't think you quite understand the situation...*

He hissed malevolently. 

His arms stretched outward clasping at a cape behind him, raising it up like raven wings. 

*I am Lord Ruthven, the most feared black-hearted Vampire in these isles. I have lived for 200 years and you think you can tell me to just __FUCK OFF?!?__*

A snore escaped from me.

He leant over slightly.

*Hey, HEY! Wake up damn you. No-one falls asleep on Lord Ruthven, the most famed and deadly of the British Vampires, seducer of a hundred virgins, taker of a __thousand__ souls!!*

He leant in further, fangs bared, mouth gaping, ready to strike. 

*And you tell me to fuck off?!?!? Prepare to die the death of a ... URRRMPHH!!* 

The mighty and famed Lord Ruthven reeled back from the blunt tip of my cane which had smashed into his cocky girlish mouth.

*My teesh, you'sh shmashed my teesh!!*

I stood up, cane in hand and roared like a Lion struggling with a tin of Tuna.

***A thousand souls?!?! Is that all? That's pathetic you bloody peon. Get over here!***

My cane raised up, its silver tip flashing in the moonlight...

![sevenpipes.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmUeTDQG8Vh8cixwwrDYDEweE2jzjVWAsV6cV6ct8Mqr4J/sevenpipes.jpg)

I threw our bags in the car. Dobson came out of the Inn stretching his arms up wide in the crisp dawn air. 

*I say Boomy. I slept like a fucking log. So much for Vampires eh! How about you?*

I took a deep puff of my pipe. 

*I had rather a good sleep myself old fellow. I feel quite refreshed!*

Dobson moved forward and peered at me more closely. 

*I say, is that a new cape? I have never seen it before, it is really rather becoming. Where did you get it from?*

I gave the cape a theatrical twirl. 

*Where did I get this old thing? Oh Dobbers,  I couldn't possibly say, after all...*

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