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Google Images: Russian Prison Tattoo

Let me begin by saying that I have nothing whatever against Scots in general, in fact my best friend in college was Kris McRae. There is one, however, I believe belongs in a padded room.

Running a cemetery is fraught with problems which, if you've been following the series, you well know. There are certain logistical problems that cannot be overcome, such as being unable to control the weather... Rule of thumb- the worse the weather conditions, the more services we have. This in itself presents a entirely new set of problems.

Graves are no longer dug by hand- we use backhoes now. This is why most states require an outside burial container (vault)- to keep the backhoe from collapsing existing graves. This is a particularly good thing at Roselawn because the ground consists of either clay or shale, depending on where you are- both almost impossible to dig by hand. In fact the ground is so bad at Roselawn, we buy dirt to fill the graves.

This, of course, requires disposing of the dirt that was displaced. In the Spring, when the ground is very wet, to drive both the backhoe and dump truck to the gravesite does an incredible amount of damage to the ground... So we leave a dirt pile (covered with astroturf during the service) until the ground is dry enough to get in to remove them- this has never been a problem, people understand.

Enter, the Scottish lunatic! His family is buried up in Holy Cross, but to conveniently get there from his house, he drives through Roselawn. One day he notices several dirt piles (we had an especially rainy Spring that year) and he comes to "report" them to me. He comes at me in this conspiratorial tone of voice to tell me: "Just between us, your guys aren't doing their work."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Those dirt piles," he informs me... Like I never leave the office, so I'm unaware.

I patiently explain the situation- that it would do more damage to remove them before the ground dries. 

"They're disrespectful," he exclaims. Apparently tearing up the cemetery (including existing graves isn't)

How so?" I ask.

"Would you want that next to your mother's grave?"

"Rather than see the rest of the section torn up... Yes." I tell him.

"Driving your backhoe over graves is disrespectful too," he shouts... He's becoming what mental health professionals refer to as "agitated."

"I'll run out and buy a fucking helicopter," I tell him- he's starting to piss me off now.

Well, I guess I wasn't the only one pissed off... He starts writing letters to the editor... "Dirt piles are disrespectful- Driving over graves is disrespectful AND Quitliano is disrespectful!"

So, I write back and explain the situation with the ground being too saturated and how much damage... Blah, blah, blah.... And that respect is something you earn, not demand.

Letters to the paper start pouring in... "This guy is a nut," is the general tone. This sets him off even more- he reports us to the State Cemetery Board. So, I have to drive to Little Rock (about 160 miles) for a hearing that usually takes about 20 minutes. This nut thought he was testifying in front of the Supreme Court! About an hour into his "testimony," (he had pictures marked with a Sharpie "Disrespectful dirt pile" and about 3 letters from other malcontents- including the woman who threatened to sue us over spaces she had bought from a conman) The Board had heard enough for a while and they adjourned for lunch.

I bought lunch for Mrs. Hunt from the J.B. Hunt trucking empire. She was there because she wanted to open a cemetery. I asked her if she was still sure she wanted a cemetery? She asked if it was always like this.

Well, after lunch it was my turn. I had about 100 letters from people stating how well maintained the cemeteries were... Including one from his sister- who came every day to feed the wild geese- saying that her brother was crazier than a shithouse rat and on a ton of nut pills. 

After I presented my letters, the letters from the newspaper and my explanation, I informed the Board members- all of whom own either cemeteries or funeral homes- that there are two options in cases like this (I do my homework- I cheated and read the Cemetery Board bylaws) we could handle this here, or take it in front of a judge where our attorney could bring the issue of his mental health into his cross examination... I had hoped that this would prove the more expedient route.

The entire time this guy was testifying, the Board members were rolling their eyes and looking at me like, "why didn't you just shoot him?" Of course, they found in our favor and I never heard from the Mad Scot again. Don't you love a happy ending???

GIF by @papa-pepper

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