Viewing a response to: @richq11/why-i-write
Damn @richq11! I haven't read nearly enough of your work to know some of what you talk about in this post but for you to have come through the hells and horrors you have and be the person you are today is a miracle in itself. You have incredible strength and fortitude and I have a great deal more respect for you. I know you were not aiming for this from anyone and that you were seemingly just talking from your heart and speaking truth (2 traits that are so rare). I know I am maybe asking a bit too much from this question but was there ever a time when you didn't believe you could handle the weight of all that life had thrown your way? I understand that you are an immensely strong willed individual that for the most part refused to let anything pull you down or destroy you but was it your imagination that saved you do you think? Your ability to disappear in to realms of your own making? I hope I am not being in any way too personal. If I am please feel free to say that I am asking too much. It is just that your story is incredible in many different ways.
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You know, I never really thought much about it when it was happening... mostly afterward when it was like- Whew how the hell did I make it through that??? There was one time I can remember standing outside Portland Maine in a blizzard trying to hitch a ride. I felt despair- just absolute despair, like I wasn't going to survive. That's really the only time... I guess the rest I was too busy trying to stay alive.
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That makes sense. You were for the most part almost consumed with the fight to survive against all odds therefore almost all other thoughts and trapping of fear and despair either vanish or fall away to the recesses of your mind? On many levels it's perfectly understandable that the mind would protect itself and you from harm and transfer all conscious control to that survival. Maybe it's akin to the fight or flight instinct? The mind knows that if it wallows in the agony of what has gone on before that the body will follow and the whole won't last. So it insulates those dark parts in to dark places so that the whole can go on and survive. When you felt the despair in Portland, was this purely a despair born out of the icy blizzard or maybe more? You don't have to answer any of this whatsoever Rich. And I get the feeling you'd tell me to fuck off of it was too much to discuss, hehe. You seem just that kinda honest type. Honest to the bone.............my kinda person. But when you replied I felt compelled to ask.
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I don't do flight... never have, it's not how I'm wired. I'll stand and fight no matter what the odds- it's just how I am. In the blizzard- I guess it was just the blizzard that made me feel despair. I stood under a lamp by the side of the highway... there were no cars coming and I thought this was it... the end. I was going to freeze to death standing by that road. Finally a car came and gave me a ride.
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